Sylvia's Journal

There’s not much to add to Sita’s very complete account of yesterday, except for the 4:30 AM repositioning event when I had to wake Tessa up to get Axel comfortable again. It was his first night out of a hospital bed and there were no buttons to call people or change the angles of the bed. Tessa brought a hot pack for his back and patiently reconfigured the mountain of pillows around him until it was right.

I think I am out of withdrawal from the heavy narcotics. I woke up feeling so much better than yesterday and had another fairly good night, albeit interrupted by my new roommate a few times, but such interruptions were of the good sort. It was lovely to wake up this morning for the first time in 5 weeks in my own bed, Axel on the other side of the hedge of pillows and a view on the cove. Axel commented on the quiet and peacefulness of the place. We used to take that too for granted, but after 5 weeks of hospital stay, the quiet and peacefulness of Lobster Cove is a novel experience again.

I received a package from Islamabad from my dear friend and new MSH colleague Chantelle with two books I am eager to start reading. Diane Midura, also from MSH, sent an extraordinary recording of Beethoven’s Sonata in B minor by flautist Julius Baker that helped me through some of the more uncomfortable parts of the day. I cried when I read your note, Diane, it was as beautiful as the notes you play, and cried again when I read it later to Axel. Sometimes I get so choked up about all the love and support people are sending us and the choice of their gifts that I am totally overwhelmed.

It is such a blessing that Axel is home and Joan is home and all of us are doing better. Yet when Axel walked into the house, very slowly, with his cane, on his hospital socks, with his turtle shell on and squinting one eye, and a hairdo that still has souvenirs from the crash hidden in it, I couldn’t help myself thinking what I had done to this man, and the ‘what if’s’ and ‘why’s’ and ‘if only’s..’ pop into my head. They occasionally do that when I haven’t seen Axel for some time. When he was not around I kept fooling myself with mental images of the pre-crash Axel. He’s telling me he is a better person now.