Gary Gilbert had invited us to use his hot tub some time ago and yesterday we took him up on that invitation. We soaked for about 30 minutes. It was wonderful for all the tight muscles in our backs and necks; less so for my still swollen ankle that was crying out for ice, not heat. We came home sleepy; created dinner out of several leftovers and then we went to bed very early. The night was, once again, full of interruptions and pains, and day break a relief. We are looking at another busy day full of body work, again.
We both had our hair cut by Bonnie, sitting outside by the cove, providing much nesting materials for all the critters in our yard. Axel’s therapist Paul showed up for another session ‘en plein air’ and I went off to my EMDR session and after that physical therapy. And then it was five o’clock again.
I am experiencing considerable tension (right between my eyes) between the slow pace in which I feel I am plodding, not going anywhere (yes, after a night like this it feels like we are just going around in circles) and the strong, at times explosive, pull of going ‘outside’, wanting to be back into the world again; a tension between being in the middle of things and standing on the sidelines. I am participating as much as I can in work meetings by phone; I am responding to emails and I am trying to complete the little work I have on time, even if these are self-imposed deadlines. But it is a struggle when the days are so filled with the work of plodding along. After last week full of spectacular milestones, I could have expected something like this.
And then I compare my plodding with Axel’s for who going back into the world is not even on the horizon, given his real eye and arm handicaps and doctor’s pronouncements that we may be looking at a year. And when he says, “what am I supposed to be doing, sitting at home doing exercises for a whole year?” I cringe and my wish to go out into the world feels selfish and my guilt, held at bay for so long, creeps back into my mind, what have I done to him?
Sylvia's Journal 
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