Sylvia's Journal

Yesterday something familiar entered back into our lives. Small things begin to irritate us. Small words, small sentences and small inferences of intentions. They were like little grey clouds that drifted across the sky and blocked out the sun. Although there was still abundance that kept love and other good things coming to us, we got distracted by the things that we could not do or that did not happen. It felt eerily normal. This is something that we recognize from our pre-crash lives (our first life). There were moments yesterday that we got so obsessed with the absences, the holes, the vacuums, the negatives that we had no energy left to see and appreciate the positives, the presences, the gifts.

Is this the normal that we are aspiring to get back to? After all, says a small voice inside my head, it can’t always stay this good. Or is it the anxious anticipation of Tessa’s departure? Or maybe it is the stress that rubs off by watching Sita and Jim as the finality of their (temporary) move to Lobster Cove sinks in, now that August has come to an end and all their stuff from Amherst has to be moved. It is coming in by the truckload and no one knows where to put it. We are overflowing with stuff.

Even the morning routine of getting up, taking a shower, and making breakfasts was more difficult yesterday than other days. Axel found me in tears and there was nothing I could do to explain them. It just felt too much, too long, to difficult and too overwhelming. Later in the day we both struggled as we were looking for things that weren’t were they used to be, or found things that were where they shouldn’t be. And when we cannot do anything about it because of our physical limitations, the stress and frustration levels mount. At one point Axel stomped off to bed upstairs, which seemed like the only safe place to get away from everything; I found solace in a book about people a world away who have nothing going for them.

But even yesterday there was abundance and there were many gifts and writing my daily journal makes them stand out from the darker background. Alice Gardner from Quaker meeting showed up with lunch and we talked about writing and illustrating children’s books and her upcoming trip to South Africa. Then the new phone system got dropped off which will allow better ways of communicating with Sita in the barn once Tessa has left and no one else is in the main house during the night. It features an adult ‘baby’ phone among other things. This required a call to the electrician to re-direct telephone wires. Bill Wilson showed up within the hour (we are getting quite used to calling repairmen and have them show up instantly) and spent a couple of hours finishing the job. The phones are ready for use now.

For dinner we had Tessa’s boss D.J. over with his new pal Susan and Alison (from the exciting ‘A Summer on Cape Cod” reports in the Caringbridge guest book). Alison is here for the next two days, which, given the stresses we are experiencing, is perfectly timed. Her presence will allow the girls to focus on what they need to do without having to tiptoe around their vulnerable parents.

Dinner consisted of a delicious Causeway Restaurant (in Gloucester) meal: the fish chowder was dropped of the day before by Carole Rein and D.J. had brought Calamari.