Sylvia's Journal

A night full of uncomfortable positions, sleeplessness, dreams that included flying and frequent wake ups, cold and hot sweats. Not a good one. Was it the real beer and the small glass of Pinot Grigio that I had at dinner at the Kneissel’s? Having been off the heavy meds for a week I thought I could try but I am not so sure now. I think I’ll stay away from alcohol some more.

Although in general our recovery is a line upwards, yesterday was a dip for me. Maybe the weather had something to do with it: overcast, fall in the air and this sinking feeling that summer is over. Although in many ways it is among the more beautiful times of the year, with its clear cool nights, the announcement of fall depresses me. And so that is how I felt. This was compounded by watching Axel with three different VNA visitors: the occupational therapist (working the parts of him above the waist), the physical therapist (below the waist) and the nurse spent, in succession, most of the morning and part of the afternoon with him. I watched all this and couldn’t help crying over what I had done to this man. This is a recurrent theme and I am glad that I can’t see Joan going through this because it would compound things. Both Axel and Tessa tried to talk me out of my sadness and guilt but it is not something others can talk out of me that easily. Lately I have started to revisit again the moments just before the crash, my decisions, and each time I have a physical reaction and such a feeling of dread. The urgency of finding a therapist is clearly presenting itself and I will take some action today. This is not going to go away by itself.

Compounding things even more, some very big four digit bills started to arrive indicating the post-BCBS balance from various specialists in Worcester. The routine is that we copy them and sent them to the plane insurance company and keep our fingers crossed, invoking magic, but they do worry me.

Sita spent much of the morning getting ready for her trip and left after lunch for Dallas, leaving our care in the hands of Tessa. We had few visitors today but a few people called us. More books arrived and so the reading continues. All choices are so very thoughtful, thank you. Woody showed up for a brief visit in the morning before all the therapists arrived and Abi came for a brief chat at the end of the day and we made appointments for next week’s massages. We sent her off with a plastic bag and instructions to help herself to our garden’s bounty.

The highlight of the day was our first eating out event. Tessa loaded us in the car, wheelchair and all and drove us all the way to our next-door neighbors, where we were treated to drinks looking out over the ocean (as opposed to a cove) and then a delicious swordfish and fresh corn meal by Ann and Bill Kneissel. This is why I couldn’t resist the beer and the wine. Axel did (since he is still using some of the heavy medication). Bill also got us each a book and we were touched by his very thoughtful choices. Thanks for a wonderful evening and a distraction from the sadness and depressing thoughts.