Sylvia's Journal

After a second long day of board deliberations we sampled another of Wellesley’s restaurants, this time Italian. Each time we are collectively eating too much and once again I returned with a doggy bag. Some of the Thai food was consumed during the night, with permission, by one of my dorm mates. Now that participants to the conference are streaming in there is no way of knowing or controlling what happens during the night. I still plan to drive home with Thai and Italian meals in the cooler on the back seat but I am not so sure about the quantities.

It is tricky to be on the board of an organization that is about organizational behavior and teaching others how to ‘behave’ organizationally in ways that are productive, affirming and satisfying. I cannot help reflect on how we behave ourselves in this organization and I see others do the same, although mostly in private. Collectively we know much about group dynamics, including safety. We have done research and published about this in theses and papers. But that is, of course, always about other peoples’ behavior. Here it is us. I have found that when my reptilian brain get involved (when my emotional buttons get pushed) stuff becomes trickier to handle. In private conversations I discover that, although we follow Robert’s Rules of Order, some people question this and other processes we use. They are inherited from the mother culture (academia), which I do not share. It is not clear to which degree they are adopted consciously or unconsciously. I have so far not dared to question this practice but am emboldened by the private revelations from others. We are all teachers and we are creating many teaching moments in our deliberations; there’s a whole bunch of them slowly dying on the floor.

Yesterday we debated long and hard about our relationship with another group that has a longstanding and rich connection to the conference. There is much emotion that colors the conversation; we ignore it. Times have changed, I hear. What I also see is that the ever increasing complexity and busy-ness of our lives diminishes tolerance and concern for the other; there simply is no time to ‘just talk and work things out the old fashioned way.’ And thus this old relationship is on the block; personal irritations are braided together with rules into hard substances that feel to me more like weapons than the tools they are intended to be. I wish I could be as perseverant as Henry Fonda about our uneasy group dynamics but I have no guts for that.

Our agenda not completed we have to meet again this morning. There is other stuff that is bubbling up, about expectations not met, causing more feelings to come to the surface. I am finding that the stronger the feelings, the more assumptions are attached about ‘the other’ who is (supposedly) causing these feelings. It takes more and more determination to keep separating assumptions from facts.

I had planned to go rowing before picking up Axel but I am beginning to sense that this may not be in the stars. Meditative exercise would be good for all of us.

Yesterday, between meeting and eating I had some free time to work my mailbox and then study the conference program. It was amazed to see that my session is listed right after a session about what we can learn about decision making from an aircraft accident investigation. It is a simulation, not the real thing. Even if I had wanted to go to that session I cannot because it happens at the same time as mine.

A day of sitting for hours on end, and eating too much, is not good for my body. I am hurting all over and the dorm room set up does not help. My room is in the basement and the carpet feels damp when I take off my shoes. Large ants, the size of African termites, traverse the room and halls. Even though I know they carry a message of patience, both Susan and I have crushed a few. We just don’t want half inch ants crawling into our bed (or pants).