Sylvia's Journal

Funny that today I have to teach about change and here I am in one of the quadrants of this model myself, the one labeled ‘denial.’ The 2×2 model is based on Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’ stages of grieving. I am still hoping that this agony about unpleasant choices is not for real, and that I am just trying the various options on for size.

Just over a year ago I had never heard of the talus bone and now I am learning that a talus fracture, especially a dislocation and fracture is bad news. Until now, comparing my troubles with Joan’s and Axel’s I had concluded that I had been the luckiest of the three of us, escaping with only minor injuries. I am now trying to come to terms with the fact that this accident will be much more of a defining moment in my life than I imagined even a week ago.

Last night I put the words ‘talus bone’ and ‘dead’ in a Google search and found, between academic papers, several blogs from people who are in a similar position; all appear to be young and engaged in various athletic exercises before their mishap (falls from ladders, sport injuries) and have the same concerns I do about future ankle movements and continuing their active lives; none wanting to have their ankle fused; many citing months and months of non-weight bearing agony, crawling up and down stairs and being in pain. I am in pretty miserable company it seems. This sort of information is supposed to get me out of denial into the next stage, of anger (or resistance) but right now I don’t feel angry yet, just totally bewildered.

Yesterday was, nevertheless a great day of teaching during which I entirely forgot my ankle worries. It was only during the commute to and from when there was nothing else to do and I had to actively keep catastrophic thoughts about my predicament at bay.

Nuha is a student in my class. She is a young and spirited woman from a university in Saudi Arabia, bent on changing an archaic educational system into something more engaging to students that would help them become as passionate as she is about developing human potential. We have been talking this week about the various facets of aligning and mobilizing others to one’s cause. Yesterday we explored motivation. At lunch break Nuha approached me saying her head was full of questions about the applicability of what to do about poorly motivated employees that had been proposed by her American peers. She did not see how any of their solutions would apply to her situation back home. Right in style with her past classroom experience she did not want to use up valuable class time to voice her questions and thus approached me in private. It was a learning opportunity for all that was too good to miss and after lunch Nuha became the client and the students her consultants.

The course I am teaching in is a course about leadership. In the session around Nuha’s dilemma we saw how a young woman is trying to lead in a (old) male-dominated patriarchal society. It was inspiring and moving to see how her peers rallied around her, encouraged her to persevere in her difficult task, and offered their support in a variety of ways. Earlier in the morning we had talked about inspiration and what it does. One of those things is focusing: it focused my attention on something bigger than myself, my ankle and in particular my talus bone. I forgot all about it until I walked back to the garage and started my commute home.

Back home I found Axel ready for a cook out on the beach with just the two of us. Since we missed one set of ingredients we drove to the store and discovered that one of Manchester’s summer concerts in the park had just started. All of Manchester, young and old, was there on blankets enjoying a perfect summer night out. We changed our plans, bought stuff for sandwiches and listened to the music of the band Midlife Crisis playing oldies. Our friend Christine plays the flute and we recognized the large crowd of Spanish speakers we had met last week at her house; we did not join them because we finally had started to talk, really talk, about what this next phase in our recovery is all about. That is how I will be able to move towards the edges of denial and into the next quadrant where I get to be angry.