Sylvia's Journal

Dreams of loss, not as in ‘gone’ but as in ‘looking for, missing.’ All through my dreams I was searching for Axel. I am not usually the one who is left behind, spending the first night of our separation in a plane full of people, not alone like last night, lost in the big king size bed.

I found no email or phone message indicating he arrived. Still he must have, as there was nothing in the newspaper about a Delta flight not arriving at its destination. I did find in my mailbox a message from a friend who forwarded a letter written by someone who was on the USAIR flight that landed in the Hudson. It was an ‘ode to pilots’ of sorts, grey haired pilots in particular. I agree, although it is the experience that matters, not the grey hair – the two don’t always go together, especially when it comes to piloting, as I know all too well.

Tessa and Steve returned from Ontario loaded with Canadian goodies: pipperettes (dried bison and elk sausages), two enormous summer sausages the size of small dachshunds, produced by his hunting relatives, two liters of maple syrup (the real thing), honey, cinnamon butter and more. None of these are on Axel’s weightwatcher’s list of suggested foods, but then he is not here and cannot be tempted. I promptly added to the pantry of fatty foods by making chocolate mousse for tonight, trying one helping to make sure it came out right.

Yesterday started with a phone call from my brother that his first wife had finally decided to leave this world after a long illness that kept her struggling to participate in life the way most of us do. She had come to the end and had finally given up, this time for real, rather than the many previous cries for help. I had talked with her, wishing her a happy birthday, just 10 days ago. As usual, the phone call left me sad and wondering whether things might ever change for her. She must have concluded that they would not, never. There was some relief – I think there is some primordial kind of guilt when you are happy in the vicinity of someone who can never have what you take for granted (peace of mind). But of course there is also much sadness. My nephew did after all lose his mom even though she had not been able to mother him for a long time.