Sylvia's Journal

It’s a relief that the cat is out of the bag about my intention to live in Kabul for a year or so. Writing daily in a public blog without mentioning the momentous decision making process with all its ups and downs that is going on in the background was hard; but I was not ready to share this with the world. Now I am. Since the thought first occurred to me I have gone through the change cycle that I teach others and that is based on Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ work.

First comes the denial (“What? Me? Kabul? Impossible!”); then comes the phase of resistance with all its emotions, spine shivers and all that. So far the idea seems farfetched and part of me wants to draw back to the comfortable status quo. But there is also something pulling hard at me. I remember going through this phase late April, while in Kabul. I would be looking at the picture that serves as the header of my blog with Axel picking mussels. Give that up? Go to a country that has no ocean? Being restricted in our movements? A potential war zone?

After each of those ‘outings’ to things I would have to give up (or feared) there was a stronger pull that whispered to me about challenges, and making contributions, travelling less, being more with Axel, being able to deep dive rather than skim. And so I moved into the next stage, that of exploring new possibilities. It is then that I started talking with Alain, Axel, Alison (you start with the A’s) and heard their views on pros and cons.

Since Axel was let in on the secret a few weeks ago he is going through his own cycle. The most wonderful thing was that he did not say ‘no’ right away (although he was freaked out a little when I was going a little too fast). This too is what I teach others about change – watch out when you have passed the denial and resistances stages and are ready to explore – others may not be right behind you yet and be freaked out by your speed. They may get deeper into resistance.

And yesterday I arrived at the final stage, which is that of commitment: the application submitted, letting people know, and thinking about a trip to Kabul with Axel so he can start exploring himself.

People are supportive and excited – especially at work, where there are people who have lived ‘in the field’ as we say. They understand this tension between skimming and diving, seeing results from your work up close and working slowly at bringing about deep and lasting change rather than tinkering at the surface.

Of course I don’t have the job yet – it is possible that someone with even more of a leg-up applies – but the chances are good and so the application and offer is made with that in mind – a momentous decision rather than a cavalier move. Stay tuned!