Sylvia's Journal

Things are ratcheting up; for me, and for what America is planning to do here in this country to win hearts and souls. Although not formally in my position yet I am asked to participate in all the senior management team’s meetings. The subject of these meetings is the new (and extra) ‘quick impact’ work in 11 new and insecure provinces. For the first time in my life I am drawn into discussing work that has a mega million price tag. It dazzles me and gives me a headache to look at spreadsheets with three and four digit numbers that have a whole bunch of zeros left out. I woke up with a headache this morning.

I am seeing consultants from the other side now. They fly in and out and do work that we want done and asked them to do. But sometimes they do things they like to do or are good at – I see myself now through this prism and realize how I have sinned: bending scopes of work, writing long and complex reports that would be good teaching documents but overwhelm non-native speakers. I always thought I was good at looking through other people’s eyes but realize now I haven’t seen anything yet. It’s quite a revelation.

I am also getting a taste of living in a world that is full of gossip and rumors. I thought I knew about such things. The air is thick with them, and so far I am only experiencing those that fly around in the office. May be it is nicer to call this story telling, white lies and truth bending. It is impossible to tell what is true and what is not and I have to learn to contain myself and inquire, rather than let indignation and quick emotional impulses take over. Yet I see others do that as well and it is an easy trap to fall into.

I have a deep and basic trust in people, in spite of the occasional disappointment. I assume people speak the truth and have good intentions. People confide in me, back home because I can keep a secret, but here they don’t know that yet. I wonder if here they are telling me stories from below the surface because I am the new kid on the block (and need interpretation) or because people want me to adopt their view about things and people before someone else lures me to their side. This country is full of ‘sides.’

My nature is to check things out with third parties. It is also what I teach: ‘is this an inference or a fact?’ I try to model this because it is a good practice (I learned this from Chris Argyris). But here it requires a straightforwardness and honesty that is entirely counter-cultural. As much as the Afghans have a way of interacting deep in their souls, so do I; neither one of us can shed it like a piece of clothing; it’s deep inside us.

I like people to know me as I see myself: straightforward, and what you see is what you get. When I say no I mean no and when I say yes I mean it too. Other people claim they are like that but I am not sure yet. So far stories I have checked out were denied by other parties, accompanied by new stories and judgments. Just this checking could become a full time job!

And then there is the hospitality which actually isn’t hospitality. This will be a challenge for me as I tend to accept enthusiastically any invitation that is offered to me. Looking back I spot a few such misfirings along my path through this country. Having to offer people tea or a meal even if you don’t mean it has gotten my colleague Ali in trouble when he was in the US and a fellow student enthusiastically (and for Ali unexpectedly) accepted the invitation.

Everyone who has ever been in contact with the outside world has stories to tell about this. Now they are funny but they are actually very sad. Martin Buber was right: say what you mean and mean what you say. Because if you don’t there will be trouble, regret, irritation and anger down the line. Still if this is how you were brought up and everyone around you, then where does change start? I know that it would be hard for me to change in the other direction (but possible, I suppose if I thought it would be a good change – I don’t). This is going to be fun!