Sylvia's Journal

Sometimes, when people ask about the big things we are supposed to produce, the ‘deliverables’ in our workplan and project document (Afghan ministry of health staff are managing and leading the health program competently so that the health of Afghans is improved – something like that) I feel a sense of incompetence, of failure. It is so hard to produce such outcomes when you have only influence, no authority to bring about positive change, most of it behavioral change of adults. Yet we promised miracles and we are held accountable. I am held accountable for my part of the Big Victory. The irony of all this is that if we had not made that promise we/I might not be here.

Since I have arrived over a year ago, or even earlier when I came as a consultant, we have been trying to implement activities that, at least on paper, should have, if not impact, then at least some measurable effect before we close the project nine months from now. My responsibility is to help my teams to produce changes in adult behavior and attitudes in a society and culture that doesn’t match the culture in which our models have been developed. There is little that follows linear causal pathways; there is much political interference; there are habits that produce effects opposite to intentions, at least in my eyes, yet they are maintained because they must fill some other function that is not visible to me.

A long time ago I learned that if you listen carefully to the stories of people’s lives, they tell them in a way that gives meaning to everything they do even if, to an outsider, they make no sense at all. As I learn more about the context of their lives, their histories, their experiences, their hopes, dreams, worries and fears and I begin to get it. That is when I realize the futility of some of our so-called change interventions. It is like trying to cheer up a depressed person with smiley faces and exhorting them to not be depressed.

In the absence of The Big Victory I don’t have the professional satisfaction of a job well done. Something I experienced as a consultant, the delivery of a report or the giddy feeling at the end of a workshop when everyone is happy and in high spirits and pondering the difference one has made while settling into the airplane seat for the long ride home.

Now, I don’t have those experiences. For one, the work is never done and secondly, the nature of the work isn’t like something you can check off from a to-do list. I have to seek my professional satisfaction elsewhere.

There are things that compensate for the buchari diesel fumes, the clammy cold of unheated concrete buildings, the intense air pollution, the restrictions on our movements, the terrible traffic and the constant bumps in the road.

They are the small victories of seeing someone change because they want to, and knowing that whether I am here or not, that change is permanent and will continue on its own.

It is when I see cracks in hardened opinions, a new insight peeking from behind the hard shell, an ‘aha!’ or an attempt to try out a new behavior; a woman who speaks out assertively and is emboldened by the experience; a beautifully written school application essay by a young Afghan man, after some coaching by Axel; my students drawing their visions and then starting the long journey towards realizing them.

A small victory is when nearly half the delegation from our project to a meeting with partners consists of women; when a new mom gets 3 months maternity leave instead of the one month she was given when her first child was born; the day care center (‘kodakistan’), now gender balanced, with 6 lovely little persons who run to greet me whenever they see me, letting me practice my Dari on them and asking me where the bubbles are (the giant bubbles I blew with them in the summer).

But my biggest small victory is that M is going to Egypt in less than a month to study something that is dear to our hearts: how to develop women leaders. We started working on this nearly a year ago. The obstacles were countless and big. We chipped away at them like a sculptor chiseling through hard rock to reveal something beautiful that was there all along and only needed to be uncovered.

Now, a year further, we are busy lining up our ducks, trying to make sure we haven’t overlooked anything that can derail this wonderful opportunity – it looks like we are good on the logistics, visas, money, and moving right along in structuring the experience. We still need to align others, at HQ and in Egypt, so that their efforts combine with ours to deliver the results we are looking for. This kind of thing gives me the lift I need to tackle the big stuff.