Sylvia's Journal

Today was a real down-in-the-dumps day. If I could have afforded it and if it wasn’t for my very strong superego I would have boarded a flight and gone home. But there is too much to keep me here and I have to follow my own advice – never give up. Truth is that today I was very close to the edge.

I am trying to figure out what I am up against and felt betrayed by my own people back at headquarters. The view to Afghanistan, from comfortable Boston, is sometimes so off base that I wonder how we can ever work effectively across great cultural divides and distant borders.

The one thing I am trying to do here, which is not in my job description, is getting lost in a myriad of other priorities that makes me feel at times superfluous and my efforts futile. It takes a lot to discourage me but today it all came together in a large oppressive sweep.

We had a long meeting with our funder; for once we were outnumbered by agency people, and discussed both the small victories and the incredible odds we are up against and exhorted each other to hang in there. It is an exhortation I use a lot myself when encouraging others but today I heard it, not uttered it and quietly repeated it to myself. It didn’t help much – a good reminder that my own exhortations don’t always fall on fertile ground.

Coming back to an empty house didn’t help. I keep sticking my fingers out and counting: four more workdays, seven more nights – I am so very ready to go home.