Sylvia's Journal

I slept through the night for the first time since the accident! I could not help but think of the very first few nights of constant interruptions with visits to the bowels of Umass Medical Center where all the scanning machinery is and endless processions of people entering and leaving my room. We have come a long way. I realize that this sleeping through the night may not yet be the new standard but even having one full night in two months is worth celebrating. And as a bonus, this morning I don’t have to hop on one leg to the bathroom to empty my night bucket, always a slightly risky undertaking.

There have been many milestones in my life the last 60 days that may not seem big to others but for me they are of immense psychological value: stitches out; coming home from the hospital; going off Oxycontin; Axel home; sleeping upstairs in my own bed; cast off; full weight-bearing on right leg; and now an uninterrupted night of sleep. The next big milestone for us will be when Axel’s body brace comes off. We don’t know when that is but hope it will be at the 3-months mark. His visit to the spine doctor was postponed until later September so we have nothing to go on but we use Joan’s predictions that were made based on her latest X-ray by her spine doctor.

Axel’s milestones have been less and further apart but no less dramatic: out of being in critical condition; breathing tube out; out of the ICU; into rehab; coming home; extending his right fingers on his own; infection under control; off pain medication.

Yesterday morning I had my CATscan which turned out to be negative. We all had a big sigh of relief and I happily erased the mental images of more belly cutting and new stitches. It means that the pains are probably related to my increased mobility and standing upright; this is stretching my belly muscles in ways they haven’t after two months of sitting.

It was a gorgeous fall day at Lobster Cove. Steve Freund came with lunch and moved himself and Axel to the beach where they played chess while I took a nap. Axel lost the game but who cares when you can do that sitting on the beach on a 10+ day New England fall day? He had been eying the beach for the last month from higher ground. I still haven’t been down to the beach as it seems a bit daunting to hobble down and besides, I preferred a nap over a chess game. Afterwards we had Nepali chai and Steve replaced a bunch of light bulbs so we are fully lit again.

Jim left for Western Mass and we hung out with our estate manager (and neighbor) Ted and admired the reseeded backyard which looks better now that all the weeds are gone and it’s simply evenly spread brown dirt. I suspect that the grubs down below are high-fiving each other with this promise of juicy new grassroots for next spring!

Diane came by to drop off more soups (Beirut gazpacho and vichyssoise) and then we settled in front of the TV with Carole’s chicken pot pie and watched Perry Mason. Although the pot pie was for a family of four, between the two of us we ate most of it.

David Byer, our night nurse, showed up around 10 PM with his little terrier She-Ra who sniffed all the corners of the place, collecting data on which other dogs had preceded her. She’ll have a field day chasing chipmunks tomorrow morning. David helped Axel settle into bed, and we all turned in for the night; mine uninterrupted and restful.

I slept another 12 hour night, once again in half hour increments. This isn’t as bad as it sounds. My bed is like a nest, with pillows everywhere and it is very comfortable as I drift in and out of sleep. While still awake, whether I like to or not, I often go back to that fateful afternoon. My head jerks left or right as if to say ‘no!’ and then I fall asleep. I have many dreams but not about the accident. There are no nightmares. It is as if the conscious revisiting of the Gardner airstrip before falling asleep inoculates me against bad dreams.

I have whittled the list of recommended therapists from Paul, Mary and Leslie down to three, one on vacation, one I will talk with today and one later this week. I still trip over low level complexity (something that I would not have considered complex in my pre-July 14 life) and need to gather much strength and courage to tackle such tasks.

Joan and Axel have both indicated that their lives are changed forever. Joan mentions the experience of being so totally dependent on others and the deep experience of gratitude, Axel too is rethinking priorities, staying with questions rather than trying to answer them. I think I am forever changed as well although I am still trying to sort out what is temporary and what will last. Like Joan, I was not used to being dependent and tended to boss others around (especially Axel and the girls). I also used to have a hard time sitting still and just staying in the moment and contemplate all that is good around me. I read the book “How to be Idle” that Emilie sent me and find myself quite adept at not doing anything important at all for 12 hours on end and not feel guilty about it.

Anne and Chuck came by after their visit to Axel to tackle the African food. We ate it just before the thunderstorm hit the area, sitting out by the cove. It was delicious, thank you Fatou! We are beginning to make a dent in the supply. Anne helped me complete the easy parts of the Royal Pair puzzle and left me with large amounts of undistinguishable pieces in red and dark blue. She also brought an even larger puzzle for a new challenge. It has 1500 pieces! It remains hard to do it from a wheelchair perspective; again, patience and perseverance rule, two words that are prominent in my life these days.

It is as if Sita has temporarily (?) absorbed all my excess energy that I cannot use these days. All day she dashed in and around the house doing chores, cleaning up, stacking, throwing out, filing, organizing, sorting, as if there was no tomorrow. I watched her and recognized myself. Tessa is so much more like her dad; she looks at Sita, rolls her eyes and thinks about matters related to comfort; she did the shopping and is in between chores reconnecting with her friends. They are both taking their personalities into their caring roles, and some of these personalities are like a mirror to Axel and me. We will have fun when he comes back comparing notes on whose genes are at work in whom.

The network showed its power again yesterday when plumber Jack Manderson from Ipswich showed up to unhook the old dishwasher. Jack came to us via Ellie Cabot. He is now part of the network and reading Caringbridge as well. Jack thinks that he shares a common ancestry with the Magnusons and that when the Vikings invaded the Scotland, a child was born and a new name negotiated: that is how Magnuson changed into Manderson. It sounded pretty compelling to me. Welcome to the family Jack!

Jack left with a bag full of hotel soaps and shampoos that Sita has collected over the years and which she finally decided she did not need. He will drop the bag off of at Partners in Development, Inc. in Ipswich, an outfit that works in Haiti and also in Guatemala. Jack is in that network too. Overlapping networks, imagine the possibilities!

Sita and Tessa left at 6:30 PM to go see their dad and watch a movie together. I was put to bed (voluntary!) while neighbor Ted was put on back-up duty as orderly/nurse reachable by phone.

On the hospital bed front, the latest news from Axel is that the occupational therapists think he can handle a flat bed with a foam wedge to lift the head up a bit. The staff at Shaughnessy is all for patients going back to their usual sleeping arrangements and seem to have convinced Axel that moving beds in and out of the house may not be necessary after all. I will wait to hear Sita and Tessa’s views on this.

Thanks again for your messages in the guestbook, it makes for a great start of a new day.