Sylvia's Journal

We will try the old sleeping arrangement, upstairs, so for now we don’t need a hospital bed or movers. Thanks for the offers and being on standby.

Later this week we will post requests on the calendar for having someone around the house while Sita is away in Dallas and Tessa in the store in Rockport. I am waiting to get Tessa’s work schedule and we are also waiting to sort out what help me will need when Axel is back home. If you don’t have access to the calendar and can’t figure out how to use it, send an email to sita@klompje.com and she will invite you to the calendar.

After a fairly good day without the powerful pain pills, and only one administration of Tylenol Extra Strength I decided to try the night without Oxycontin as I am anxious to get off this strong medicine. Sita had put the Tylenol within reach, just in case.

It turned out to be a very difficult night. First of all it took hours to fall asleep and I could not get comfortable. I suppose the Oxycontin has helped me to always drift quickly into deep sleep at the beginning of the night. Now, without it, I was lost. Not only that, I experienced hot and cold sweats throughout the night, my cast hurt, the wound on my wrist was in the way, etc. I was quite miserable and chalked it up to withdrawal from Oxycontin. If this is the downside of Oxycontin, I will brace myself for another night like this, or maybe several more. I may not go to bed as early, to shorten the agony.

Lots of dreams of which I can only remember bits and pieces: a multicultural event and a simulation which I did not get right or finished on time; trying to bike home with crutches on one side of the handlebar and a violin over my shoulder. My dreams a tossed salad of early childhood experiences and more recent ones from work. The mind is a mysterious thing as it dredges up these old bits of experiences and reconfigures them into new wholes. These dream pieces left me puzzled and exhausted this morning.

Tessa took off to work in her beloved leather shop in Rockport. A bit of a contrast with working her other summer job this year of planting trees in the northern Canadian woods. I did not see her before she got back but heard she had a fabulous day with rocket sales. Sita stayed with me except for an brief excursion to Salem from which she came back with shopping bags full of stuff that Axel had accumulated since his arrival there. This is how we acquire stuff: it comes to us!

Talking about stuff, in the middle of Sita’s massage Jim and his dad Marc showed up with Sita and Jim’s stuff from Amherst in a large trailer and truck. The stuff included the cats Mooshie and Cortez, who immediately left a thin layer of cat hairs over everything. This is going to be an interesting challenge for the coming months: managing the cat hair which causes sneezing reactions in Axel (and probably in Tessa as well, our two allergixs). But we are now all happy having our babies close by: Sita has her cats, Tessa her bunny and we have our girls!

Chris Pilcavage showed up with a delicious four course Japanese lunch. She took me for a tour of the garden where we managed to extract a few more raspberries that the chipmunks had overlooked, and picked some warm tomatoes, carrots, radishes, squash and basil. I miss working in the garden but going for a visit is nearly as good. After our lunch I took a two hour nap, and Chris vacuumed the house, which she later confessed, she actually loved doing. With work and napping done, we practiced some idleness watching the cove empty and enjoying the gorgeous weather. Later Abi the masseuse sat with us enjoying the bunny and the weather and I had my pretend beer. And just before the cove emptied Woody with friend and dogs in a small boat called us from the water and waved from the mouth of the cove.

After the visitors left I did another vain attempt at the puzzle. I haven’t made much progress since Anzie left me the other day. I think I am going to do something that flies in the face of my deep Calvinistic upbringing and that is not to finish the puzzle of the royal pair. I put in only 5 new pieces of the prince’s navy suit, after trying each time about a 100 pieces in the same slot. This ain’t no fun. It feels rather naughty not to finish the hard part of a puzzle; I don’t think I ever did this in my life. But then again, I am in a new life now.

Good luck Ida, Lourdes and team in Nigeria, thanks for the message. Joan and I are cheering you on. You will do well! Thanks Carole for the water massage idea I will check it out and thanks everyone else for your encouraging and supportive messages in the guestbook, by phone and through the mail.

This is the week of Axel’s homecoming. It is both exciting and daunting. He won’t have a button anymore to call a nurse, orderly or specialized professional but he’ll have his voice to call on any of his women. The bed situation is still unclear. I can make it to the top of the stairs and have shown I can manage a flat bed as long as there are plenty of cushions to support the various painful body parts. So for me a return to our own bed upstairs is the best of all options. For Axel this is less clear. With his turtle shell come extra complications: how to put it on and off, how to lift himself into sitting position, how to shower. He will try to get some answers to that today.

If we need to rent a hospital bed for him we will need some heavy lifters to clear the room in the next few days and put some things in storage. Please let us know if you can help with either of those two things.

Yesterday was overshadowed by Steve’s departure. Tessa drove him to the bus station in the afternoon after he visited for a last time with Axel at Shaughnessy. We have become very fond of him and he has been a tremendous source of support for all of us, especially for Tessa of course. They will reunite in a couple of weeks for their new life together in London.

Sita and I tackled a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle of the Dutch crown prince and his princess. The large smiling mouths and teeth were the easy part. The dark navy suit is a killer.

Fatou showed up in the afternoon with enough food to serve an entire refugee camp. Fatou, we have enough!! Fatou calculates caloric requirements based on hour-long marches to fetch wood and water. If you would like to have some West African food, please come by and help yourself, that way you also get an idea of what will be waiting for you when we have our party later this month. If Fatou keeps going like this we will soon have an appeal for additional refrigerators and freezers.

Thanks to Kurt’s ramp it is now so easy to go back and forth between the inside and the outside, I can do this on my own as long as someone holds the door open.

Steve and Ingrid Miles from North Shore Friends Meeting came by for dinner. Even though Sita had told them to not bring anything and that the menu was West African, they wanted to share a wonderful Pakistani dish with us. We sat outside by the cove and had a wonderful time eating, drinking (me just an O’Douls) and watching a young woman who had driven her car too far onto the beach play damsel in distress. It was dinner theatre and just when the mosquitoes started biting too hard the knight in his shiny red truck showed up and pulled her back onto the asphalt. After that we went inside so we don’t know the end of the story. Steve and Ingrid were sent off by Tessa with a large container with African food. (And so did Steve on the bus!)

Sita and Jim had the night off and went to a movie while I went to bed around 8 again and put in another 11 hours of sleep, completed in half hour segments.

Thanks Lynndsie, Joe, Suzie, Marianne, Kent for your wonderful, funny and important words you write in the guestbook. I wake up with those and they do me a world of good. I am equally inspired by you. Thanks Maurits for your good wishes. Scary huh, these photos. After I recover I am never going to crash again. I will be a much better pilot.

We’ve come along way in one month, two of us at home and Axel walking with a cane and needing less and less professional help. I find that the further we move away from the moment of the crash, the further I can start to look in the future. I remember the first few days I could only consider the coming night or, if I stretched, the next day. When I got home I could only consider the next week, then Axel’s homecoming and now I can start to contemplate September. I suppose this is a good thing, and a sign of returning to normalcy, something we all want to happen, sooner, rather than later.

This notion of living in the moment was very appealing to me a couple of weeks ago but it is less so now. It is a childlike sort of living, where you don’t need to worry about anything because others are taking care of that. When Joe was still here I remember him saying, each time I worried about something to get back to focus on my body’s healing, and that the Lobster Cove Calamity Management team (LoCoCalMan) would take care of the rest. It has indeed done that and I can’t begin to express my thanks to everyone who took part in this effort and played a role in managing our complicated household.

The girls went to bed very late as Steve is preparing his departure for Canada and is starting to say goodbye to his friends. They do that on the beach around a campfire and by staying up very late. It is always a surprise who will descend the stairs in the morning.

While everyone was sound asleep and after nurse Tessa set me up with breakfast, book, pills, computer and phone, I settled into my quiet morning routine of idleness which was pleasantly interrupted by Cynthia from North Shore Friends Meeting who came by for a chat, brought strawberries and wheeled me outside over the new ramp into a glorious Lobster Cove morning.

About 1 PM the house started to wake up and Steve and Barbara showed up, followed shortly by Jim’s mom Helen and Ed. Steve and Barbara took me to Salem and we had a nice time sitting on the deck with Axel who is starting to outgrow Salem and its various routines and eternal background busyness. He is more than ready to come home. On the way home Steve and Barbara bought me a small icecream cone which turned out to be about a pint (I should have asked for half a kiddie cone) and I managed to eat the whole darn thing during the remaining drive. That should put some weight back on me. It became my dinner and was supplemented with some chips and a green pepper from the garden.

As usual, I was exhausted from the trip and went to bed about 6:30 PM. I was happy to read caringbridge guestbook messages from Edith (sorry you could not make it here) and from my nephew Steve. I enjoy these so much and can’t wait to read them together with Axel.

What with a new dishwasher in the near future and MLK’s encouraging speech to us, this new day winks at me from behind the porch window with a big smile.

Contrary to Sita’s and Tessa’s prediction about my adventure up and down the stairs yesterday – which they disapproved of – I feel fine and not any more sore than other days. I even took one pain pill less last night, bringing down the oxycontin to 10 mg for the night. I am going to push the envelop and not take any oxycontin this morning.

I am reading A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini and recommend it to anyone who needs some perspective on their own suffering. Here I am with bruises and broken bones but encircled by a large network of people cheering for us. The Afghan women whose story Hosseini tells have no supporters at all with broken teeth and bruises inflicted by their husband and other self-righteous men. At times it is too painful to read and I put it away because although this is a story, I know there are many women still living such nightmares daily, all over the world. And then I count my blessings and pull that necklace out again.

We had a quiet morning yesterday. The duty nurse always sets an alarm, no matter what time the girls go to bed, and she gets me started with the day. This includes setting the shower up for me, making breakfast, counting my pills, bringing my computer and book to the living room. Sometimes the morning duty nurse is very talkative, sometimes she is not and I can barely look past the slits that are her eyes.

Yesterday morning our neighbor Kurt showed up with his grounds man Paul and in the pouring rain they installed a beautiful ramp at the other door that leads to our sitting area on the Cove side. I can now go out when it is nice without having to be wheeled around the house. He also always brings a bag of blueberries. Thanks so much Kurt, what a wonderful gift!

Ellie Cabot, our former neighbor stopped by and we compared notes on broken ankles and recovery times. She also brought lobster salad and we talked about hospital beds and sleeping arrangements. Later in the day Ellie came back with all sorts of supplies to make me more comfortable, such as a cast cover for the shower, a neck brace, etc.

The Lipkinds showed up after Ellie with dinner and they stayed with me while the girls ran errands. Leslie, a therapist herself, was a great help in sorting out the kind of therapy I am looking for and the process of selecting one from the list that Paul and mary supplied me with. This is a task I am going to tackle on Monday.

I talked with Joan as she is trying to sort out the various dimensions of going home. In those moments the guilt comes creeping back up. Joan is so very generous and forgiving but I am also so completely aware that all the things she has to deal with, all that discouraging complexity, is all because of a mistake I made. At least when Axel comes home I can play a role in helping him adjust to being home, but with Joan I cannot offer much of anything and am frustrated by that state of affairs. She will make her first ride in a car and I hope that this will not be as scary as she thinks it is. The insurance is done with ambulances.

I have been thinking a lot about patience yesterday. For one, it is a noun now, and I am that noun, a patient. It comes from the Latin verb patior (pati passus) which means to suffer , undergo, experience; to permit, allow. That is really all there is to do for me right now: suffer, undergo and endure. I find that when I don’t do that I grow impatient and the waiting gets longer. I remember this quote which always made me smile: “Never become irritable waiting for things to get better. If you’ll be patient, you’ll find that you can wait much faster.”

I have always been an impatient person. Impatient with myself for doing something too slowly, not getting something; impatient with others (for the same reasons); impatient with work, with the seasons, with traffic with waiting times. I was also impatient with the vegetables growing in my garden, especially the raspberries and that one blueberry.

But everything changed on that July afternoon when I came to my senses in the plane wreck, stuck in the mud. I remember hearing Axel calling for help, and Joan telling the rescue workers to get us out. I don’t recall saying anything (what else was there to add), or maybe I don’t remember. But what I do remember is about patience: The knowledge that the crew was working as hard as it could and that I had to wait with patience. The knowledge that impatience made the pain in my right ankle flare up. The knowledge that it would take longer to get to me who was at the bottom of the pile of bodies. I remember focusing on my breathing. I learned that some 27 years ago when Sita was born but I don’t think I really got it then. Now I did. Focusing on my breathing made me patient…in and out….in and out….I think it made time go faster. Some people say it took an hour to get us out. I thought it was 30 minutes.

And now I am a patient and my body is healing from the inside out. I try to visualize the two ends from the broken ribs reaching out to each other and my patient breathing weaving the fringed ends back together. I visualize the two sides of my broken ankle, forced back against one another, patiently rebuilding the cells that will connect the two parts….in and out, in and out.

In Native American mythology the animal that represents patience is the ant. In our kitchens we consider them pests, but what they really are is patient animals. I like to imagine the construction workers inside my body being directed by ants. And while they do that, I’ll be (a good) patient.

Yesterday was a quiet day visitor wise, a few more phone calls, an afternoon nap, the delivery of another edible arrangements package (chocolate dipped strawberries from Jennifer Leonardo – thank you!) and a lot of yard and garden work by our neighbor Ted (I watched you, what a workout, I bet you are as stiff as I am in the morning) and Carol Moore who made sure that when I get outside all the flowerbeds in my line of vision look beautiful. Thanks so much Ted and Carol.

I talked with Joan on the phone and she is gearing up to go home, happy but also a little daunted by the prospect of not having around the clock caregivers. Unlike Axel and me, she does not have children nearby or who can move in like Sita did, and Morsi has a fulltime job. I saw that Mary Wright offered her help in the guestbook. We are in this together and might as well be like family. The calendar that Sita has created will also allow for Joan and her family to post requests or needs. If someone is willing and able to coordinate Joan’s support, the position is vacant right now.

Before I write each day I read the new messages on the Caringbridge site. I assure you, there is no such a thing as ‘lege kreten’ (empty words/slogans) as each message props me up and each adds to the healing, thank you so much for writing us!

I had a very long night, 12 hours, and slept some of those partly on my side, supporting my sore ribs with pillows, a new found freedom.

Yesterday was another exhausting day; I don’t know why and can only hope that the exhaustion comes from tremendous work done inside my body, even though it doesn’t necessarily feel that way. I went to bed at 6 PM dead tired and once again in tears and feeling lousy. Sita sat wit me for some time and we remembered the many nights I sat with her when she was little and needed my presence to fall asleep. I’d do a hundred of these nights over again with this knowledge of their caring, nursing and deep love.

Sita spent hours with Axel yesterday to sort out our (his) financial administration system and she thinks she gets it now. After all this is over we may hire her to continue doing this. It made me all very anxious and I am relieved now.

Debbie, our neighbor came early in the morning a time when the house is always in deep sleep (the girls are night owls) and we sat and talked for an hour about everything and nothing. She left me with lunch, cookies and coffee. Later in the day Dianne showed up with another batch of the now famous Beirut gazpacho. Lynn showed up with another delicious cold soup and wonderful grainy bread. All together this was my dinner. Lynn’s daughter Essie recently started working with a PR firm in New York, a connection I was able to make through their staff member Gerald who works with MSH on our leadership program. It is a small world and it shows, as Caringbridge shows too, there is nothing quite as powerful as a network of connections.

In the background Paul, Axel’s therapist, and Mary Wright, are working quietly to set me up with a more permanent psychological support system. I am a little daunted by the prospect of having to establish such a new relationship again, as I know it is a big investment of energy, but I realize it will pay off in the long run. After all, I do want to come out of this strong and healthy again, both in body and mind.

Several friends from out of state and out of the country are calling me/us frequently, sending flowers, cards, foot massage cream, licorice, music, fancy food packages and books/videos with such appropriate titles as “How to be Idle” and “the meaning of life.” Thanks to Sietske, Emilie, the ASE staff, Ok, Annette. I am buoyed by all this attention and the girls love to unpack these goodies and participate in the eating (especially the cookies and the licorice).

Now the countdown starts for Axel’s return: one more week. This is as far as my horizon goes. I am glad to know that Joan is returning home on Saturday. Those of you who know Joan and Morsi, and live in or near Boston, please check in with them to help with this transition. I have several dedicated caretakers and they all need some time off. I am sure that Morsi is going to need some reinforcement as Joan probably needs someone to be with her at all times of the day. Good luck Joan, I hope you can hear us cheering!

One day slowly relinquishes to the next over a long night. Last night I followed this process in half hour segments. Some nights are endless. It appears that I am less stiff after such a night, maybe because I move more, sit up, drink some water, pee, go back to sleep, whereas the few nights I slept long hours, I wake up stiff as a corpse.

Axel and I judge our days as good and bad. Much of that has to do with how we feel physically. For me yesterday appeared good for a long time and then about 6 PM I completely fell apart and could not stop crying. A few complications, all mashed together reached the threshold of what I can handle: the dishwasher saga, a series of what seemed simple questions about our finances and administration, my concern for the girls’ well being and I just wanted to roll up in a ball and go to a faraway place. Tessa put me to bed at 6:30 and reminded me of the nurse at Umass Medical who told me it was time to stop entertaining the many guests and focus on myself and my body’s healing. “You are way too strong!” – Tessa repeated those words. But at that moment I did not feel strong at all, more like a jellyfish. Still it is hard to extract myself from all the endless decision making processes that are going on in the background.

Not surprising it was a night full of vivid dreams. I remember a part on a ski lift and worrying how to get off at the top with my cast. I was thinking of something very complicated which involved dropping my skis at a flat piece and landing on my good leg. And then, so very simple, the ski lift operator stopped the lift at the top and wheeled up my wheelchair and I got off without any effort or risk. Another part of my dream involved my sister and brother-in-law checking out a (the?) house and each room was named after another African country and I had the largest room which I had to share.

I had a fairly quiet day and spent most of the morning making more paper flowers. I only had one visitor at the end of the day, Martin Imm from North Shore Friends meeting who has offered to take the girls on a sailing trip so they can relax. Our neighbor Kurt showed up holding the biggest level in the world and brought his carpenter Paul. He held a bunch of papers which he said was a summary of the 1000s of ADA requirements for ramps. They took measurements for the ramp out of the backdoor which will allow me to wheel myself out into the yard when the good weather returns.

Suzie Talbot finished making our vegetable garden the most beautiful in the neighborhood and Tessa brought me the most perfect pepper and tomato. Oh how I wish I could sit in that garden and watch things grow.

Steve and his friend Mike went mussel picking and produced a delicious meal with which they sent me off to bed.

Waking up is one of the more painful parts of the day. As my body awakens, so does every sore muscle and the pleasant weightlessness of sleep is rudely interrupted. As I wrote earlier, it is a still a slow rise to the surface of consciousness, with every inch closer providing an ounce more of pain. It is not always like this but today is clearly one of those days. Long live oxycontin! We are experimenting with hot and cold packs and massage, and sometimes simply diversion!

Abigail Axelrod came again yesterday to give the girls a massage. This is purely selfish on my part and the girls have not complained. In fact they are getting hooked on it. This is one way we are using some of your generous donations.

Again I did not make it to Salem but Axel and I talk on the phone several times a day. He is working really hard as he knows he has to get the most out of each of the remaining 9 days. As a result he is often very exhausted. So please call him before you visit to make sure he is up to it or not climbing stairs someplace.

Our neighbor Kurt came over with a bag full of blueberries and we had a great visit talking about all the weird things that happen in our neighborhood, worth an episode on City Confidential.

In the pouring rain, Susie Talbot and Peggy Caulkins and daughter Caroline worked in our garden. They are professionals and I am sure it looks great now. These are moments that I am less resigned to my situation and I wished I could join them and get my hands dirty. Thanks for your generosity, it means a lot to me.

Later, still in the pouring rain Sita and I went to see our regular nurse practitioner and doctor and it felt like a significant milestone on the way back to normal. I got some exercises to slowly expand my range of motion for several body parts. May be this explains the pains this morning!

Fatou (Fatu) came by around dinnertime with more African food and while she was there her mom called from Senegal and wished us all speedy recovery in between several al-hamdu-lillahs. She is one of many people who are praying for us in Senegal and our spirits are lifted by this support from afar.

We had a most wonderful evening ‘en famille’ with Andrew sitting in for Axel. Sita and Andrew did the Monday crossword puzzle while Tessa and I were making paper flowers from the kit that Jennifer Rodine sent us and the two boys were cheating on google for the crossword puzzle and generally making comments from the peanut gallery on this sweet domestic scene. It was wonderful and I am very anxious for Axel to be with us. There are at least 10 more flowers to make; we’ll save some for him.

I am happy to report that I read all of Jenny Jackson’s books except for Harry Potter (Axel is about halfway) and I can concentrate longer and longer. I enjoyed them all. Thanks so very much. I also completed the puzzle Anne Dodge and I started some 8 days ago. These are the small accomplishments that count these days.

I listened in on the scheming between Sita and Fatou and noticed in Sita’s posting that the wheels have been set in motion. I am looking forward to the event.

Sita came back from a weekend in Goshen and on her way back stopped in Gardner. A souvenir hunter she is. She brought back two small pieces from the plane: one from the windshield and one from de fuselage. She described the scene and how landing in any other spot would probably have been fatal. Then, Antony from Azerbaijan sent me a link to a BBC report of a light airplane crash in Britain where all four passengers died because the plane could not get enough lift, brushed the top of trees and came down and exploded. So, here is how bad luck changes into good luck.

More abundance coming our/my way yesterday: Fatou found us after having lost track for many years and then found us in this state! She works at Salem hospital and lost no time in checking us out and cheering us on. Fatou, in my mind, is associated with Senegalese hospitality and large quantities for African food. She will be keeping an eye on Axel and is plotting something that involves food and lots of people.

Mary Wright showed up as the day nurse giving Tessa a chance to see her dad. She handed over my care to Lynndsie after lunch while I was taking a long post lunch nap, so I never said goodbye and thank you, so here they are. Lynndsie brought more meals and we spent a glorious late afternoon that felt like fall together until Sita came back. Earlier Diane Neal Emmons with her husband Curtis Prout showed up and we explored the pros and cons of sleeping upstairs and downstairs. We are starting to research a lift that could ferry me and Axel up and down the stairs. It is appealing to be able to return to our regular bedroom when Axel comes home: at least some sense of normalcy.

Martin Ray from North Shore Friends Meetings showed up with some scones and we nibbled on those while sitting by the cove. Martin had not realized that the photos that Sita has been posting are not under the Photo tab but in her Flickr account. The link to her account is in the Links section.

I was so rested that I was able to stay up and watch Sherlock Holmes and for the first time asked for and enjoyed a plate with deserts: fruit (the remainder of the extraordinary edible bouquet), whipped cream and chocolate. All this while Sita and Tessa were describing the suspicious contents of the many small drawers in the barn/studio/Axel’s office and concluded that Mr. Cabot (the owner of our house pre 1950) was a particular kind of (mad?) scientist, and let their imagination run away with them, as they can do so well. I had to press a pillow hard on my belly to keep the laughing from hurting too much.

Sita was working on the calendar last night and I noticed she posted a link in the journal to test out. Please try and let her know what is working and what is not. Thanks for the continuing flow of cards and flowers, prayers, Reiki vibes and all that. We are indeed getting better each day. Tessa says Axel is no longer shuffling but really walking now. Joan is walking with a cane and I can take a shower on my own. We have already come a long way from that Monday three weeks ago!

Cheers,
Sylvia