Sylvia's Journal

I had made an appointment for a massage on Saturday at the end of the day, but I completely forgot about it. I was too busy preparing for the two day workshop that started in just a few days on a topic I did not really master. It required reading a hundred page facilitator manual. When I was finally done, with at least a good grasp of the material, the overall design of the workshop done and the first day micro design completed, I contacted the home front. Until Friday I had not had an internet connection in my room, so it was a big luxury to talk to my family from the comfort of my room. I got so excited about these conversations that I forgot about the massage. When I realized this the spa was closed and would remain so during all of my remaining after work hours in Tana.

Sunday I started to get sick. In Ampefy I was fine but in Tana I seem to get sick. I wonder whether it is an allergic reaction to Tana and its dust. My colleagues think I get sick because of the cold weather and tell me to get a scarf to protect my throat, as if a cold comes from a cold throat. Frankly, they have no idea what cold weather is; with 46 degrees at night and high 60s during the day, this is rather a mild climate, requiring nothing more than my well worn suede jacket.

My cold started just like last time, in my throat, followed by a cough and then sinus problems. But so far it hasn’t gotten as bad as quickly as last September when I need a doctor to come to my hotel room; besides I was prepared with my Mucinex, Day- and Nyquil and saline spray. I bought lemons and salt in the supermarket across the hotel, combining home remedies with OTC drugs.

On Monday I told my local colleagues to be prepared to run the two day workshop on their own in case I would lose my voice completely.  Luckily they are very savvy trainers and with the training manual available (in French) I knew they would be able to handle such a contingency.

As it turned out, they ran the entire first day with me on sidelines, coach rather than trainer, which is actually the role I like to play best. This also allowed the workshop to be done in the local language, which was only translated when necessary to get my input.

On Monday I visited the shoulder doctor for the 3 months checkup. I had planned to ignore the summons as I find these check-up visits not a good use of time or money, but this time I went. While in Kampala my ‘good’ rotator cuff slipped a little out of its socket and left me with no strength at all in my right arm. This was a problem because I am not supposed to carry anything heavier than a coffee cup with my left arm. Luckily I was travelling with a colleague who carried the stuff I could no longer carry.

Eventually things got better. The rotator cuff must have slipped back in place and slowly my strength, what little I have in my right arm, returned. I started to worry about having to have yet another operation. My physical therapist had a name for what happen, a sub lux, and taught me how to push the rotator cuff back. The doctor told me there was a solution to this problem (in all likelihood created by the overuse of my right arm while the left is recovering); it is a reverse shoulder replacement. I am hoping that this will never be necessary, what with the left arm starting strength training in a few weeks. I am kind of tired of surgeries and the long recovery process of healing tendons and bones.

In the meantime I touched down for two days at work where things are a little bit in limbo because we are changing our organizational structure. I presume that by the time I come back from my next trip, later this month, the dust will have settled a bit more.

During our long drive home yesterday from DC we talked about the weeks I was busy, what I had learned and facilitation assignments ahead. One Big Thing I learned (the same question I asked the conference participants during the wrap up session on Friday) has something to do with balance and imbalance.

In the middle of last week there was a moment where I had completely lost my balance. I was able to look back at that moment and my reaction to the event and realized that imbalance is actually a good thing, even though it may not feel that way at the moment. It was as if I had fallen into a hedge and came out the other end. Behind the edge, in a Secret Garden sort of way, was a whole new field full of interesting vistas promising things I had not thought about before and raising new questions I had not pondered before.

We tend to look for balance in our lives, convinced that balance is a good thing; thousands of books have been written about it. But maybe balance is boring. Falling and getting up, stumbling over things may seem a bad way to move, but if I would be given a choice now, I think I’d continue with the stumbling. All these moments of imbalance in my past, recent and long ago, have made life so much more interesting and have contributed so much to my learning, that I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

I have been back for more than a week. It was a rather frantic week with long days and early rises so that I could relax this week which is a vacation week.  So far I have managed to ignore emails for one whole day, Monday!

In the meantime Faro turned 3, last Saturday, a joyous day spent in the Nonotuck park in Easthampton amidst a bunch of 0-3 years old, family and friends and an abundance of food. Faro, who has not been exposed much to sugar discovered cupcakes, and in particular frosting. We are indulgent with birthday kids and so he was able to lick the frosting off at least a few cupcakes before we drew a line.

Sunday we worked in the garden, a good workout after a mostly sedentary life of months, no years. The asparagus are popping up, the leeks and onions are thriving in this wet spring, the potatoes foliage is looking healthy, the spinach not quite discovered by the rabbits and the garlic looks vigorous. The more delicate plants were a little perturbed by all that rain, which followed me from Holland back to the US.

Axel and Tessa returned from their mission to Palm Springs experiencing everything that is wrong with air travel, spending about 24 hours to get back home. Tessa negotiated that half the miles used for the trip got re-deposited, plus some extras, as the delays messed up her work week that is now even more frantic. She too has to clear her desk before she heads out with me to Holland for a more fun occasion, the wedding party of my youngest brother where she has a chance to re-connect with her uncles, aunts, nieces and nephews. She negotiated with me about Steve coming along (he is). She should have been a lawyer!

My big sister Ankie arrived with her husband yesterday afternoon. We celebrated their arrival with Lobster and corn on the cob, strawberries and cream. Except for the weather it is summer!

It’s hard to stop the memory machine, my brain, thinking, sometimes even obsessing, about the events of the last few days. It has been hard to fall asleep, despite having skipped a few nights; and then I wake up late, hours past my usual wake up time at sunrise.

I spent 24+ hours in Amsterdam, walking, talking with my friend A. who helped me through the difficult breakup with Peter time 37 years ago. We revisited every corner of our memory in the hope of being able to put all that to bed, including how our relationship had evolved over these three-plus decades.

The weather was nasty on Friday and I felt sorry for the tourists in the canal boats who couldn’t see much through the window panes with the rains streaking against them. If they had only one day for Amsterdam they’d had bad luck.

Saturday was better. We visited the superbly renovated Hermitage museum. An exhibit of Hollanders van de Gouden Eeuw (The Dutch in the Golden Century) revealed how much the current approach to governance has its roots in how wealthy Dutch Burghers organized themselves to govern the country. A basic tenet was that poverty and hunger were bad for commerce because such conditions would only foment dissatisfaction and revolt; as a result a system of caring for the ‘unfortunate’ was put in place by the wealthy burgers as both a Christian obligation and a way to keep the population if not happy, then at least temporarily satisfied and beholden to their benefactors. Over the years this system of paternalistic caring has been handed over to the state, now more as a human right than a gesture of Christian compassion.

When we re-emerged from the museum the sun was out and things looked up. Amsterdam is a great place to walk around and watch people when the sun is out. We had a nice lunch in a tiny place, a simple ‘broodje met oude kaas’ (a roll with old Dutch cheese) and a glass of karnemelk (buttermilk) which is about as good a lunch as one can get.

Back at A’s house we sorted out my return trip by bus to Aalsmeer from where I will return to Schiphol tomorrow.

On Tuesday night Axel and I attended the annual Gala dinner of the Boston-Japan Society. The key note speaker was the US ambassador to Japan, Caroline Kennedy. I felt I was in the presence of history. This is exactly what she invoked with stories of her dad and Japan and the war. This August will be the 70^th anniversary of the dropping of the bomb. The symbolism of seeing the flags of Japan and the US on a giant screen, backdrop to the sounds of the national hymns of these two nations that were once bitter enemies, didn’t escape anyone. The evening was full of thank you’s and expressions of friendship and collaboration; a true love fest indeed.

The gala is also the occasion of recognizing talent which turned out to be mostly female. The lineup of award recipients consisted, without exception, of people who tend to be marginalized: women and people with disabilities. There was the gifted young pianist (blind) who treated us to some exquisite pieces; the others were all women who had made their mark in Japan and beyond in the areas of finance & economics, teaching & writing, and fashion.

We are not members of this society. Why would we? I have been to Japan a few times, speak just about 3 words of Japanese, and neither one of us can claim any Japanese heritage. Axel’s father didn’t even fight the Japanese; he was busy with the Italians in the Mediterranean. As a result we felt a bit out of place between the women in their elegant kimonos, the flock of giggling skinny and tiny young women, the distinguished looking gentlemen of a certain age (Japanese and American) and the many mixed couples, mostly US men with their Japanese brides.  From the amounts written on the silent auction items it was clear that we were in the company of influence and money (not unlike the sensation I got on the few occasions we attended events organized by the Dutch community in Boston).

Our invite came through one of those mixed US/Japanese couples whose philanthropic foundation has a close relationship with MSH. Our benefactress wasn’t able to come herself. She was busy in Japan selecting the winners from a large pool of applicants for a few highly competitive fellowships. The purpose of these fellowships is to expand the pool of professional mid-career Japanese women who are investing their talents in bringing about social change in Japan. They spend a month in and around Boston learning the ropes of how to run non-profits, an institution that’s not as well developed in Japan.

Last year we were invited to host four fellows for a day and a half at MSH. With a few colleagues (all female as it happened) we created a program that received rave reviews from the fellows. This led to a request for a repeat performance this September, now for 3 days. And that is how we got to the gala.

In a few days Axel will fly west to California and I will fly east to Holland. Both will be trips full of sadness and memories, as I attend the funeral service of my first husband and Axel will visit his cousin who is fighting cancer on several fronts.

On Wednesday last week I wrote an alphabet of memories for my first husband, not knowing what else I could do from a distance, other than this distraction, a trip down memory lane. I wrote that I hoped it would make him smile and forget all the pain and worry and sadness. The next morning he wrote me back. I had succeeded to put a smile on his face. This was particularly momentous given that the doctor didn’t think he was going to wake up that morning. But he did and he saw my alphabet. He even sent it to his kids, by way of introduction and copied me. I am sure the purpose was less to let me know he had done that and more to get us connected via email. Two mornings later he was dead and I was able, because of that forwarded email to write to his children, who I have never met. People may complain about how email is wreaking havoc with our social lives. But in this case it allowed us to say farewell to each other and do it with a smile. I am so very grateful for this.

I am of course also very grateful to the Wright Brothers (brought back to life lately in David McCullough’s new book). It is because of their persistence and courage that I am able to attend the funeral service in Holland this coming Thursday.

I will find myself amidst people who were so much part of my daily life and of our adventures in Groningen, Leiden, Geneva, Beirut, Yemen and finally Beirut again. This gathering will complete the postscript to an important coming-of-age chapter in my life; a chapter that was about courtship, adventure, love, wonder, excitement, loyalty and betrayal and eventually heartbreak. That book can now be closed. It is the heartbreak that opened up doors to the life I am now living, to my family, my career and our home at Lobster Cove. It goes to show that you never know whether a change is good or bad, until much later.

Today’s Memorial Day rituals, where we honor the dead, allowed me to slip in thoughts of Peter, even though he had nothing to do with American patriotism (and probably would have wanted no part of it).

Monday I met with the surgeon who fixed my shoulder. I surprised him by lifting my arm nearly straight up. He warned me to not become overconfident and not carry anything heavier than a cup of coffee in my left hand until the end of July. Only then can I begin with the strengthening exercises. Four months post-op is a long time, but the worst is behind me. If people didn’t know about my operation there is nothing that would give it away.

Our trees have burst into bloom: the purple of the wisteria matches the purple of the old lilac in front of the house. It is flanked by Jennee’s beach plum, which is turning to be quite resilient after many attacks. Then there is the apple tree near the garden, the light purple creeping phlox, the white creepingdeep purple double lilac, the white and blue forget-me-nots that intermingle with the raspberries. It is a feast for the eyes.

The asparagus is producing enough for a meal for us two every other days, and sometimes there is enough for the neighbors as well. But the asparagus beetles have arrived and we are no longer the only ones interested in the asparagus bed. They are persistent little buggers. We followed the book last fall but they came back and we don’t want to use pesticides. Handpicking is what is called for, but you have to be out there all the time.

The cranberry beans, the potatoes (red bliss), the thyme, the peas from Tessa and the spinach and garlic are growing fast. The leeks are still tiny and spindly and if the deer we saw the other day wanders into our garden then we may not ever eat any of these.

Vacation and trips are advancing rapidly. By June 5, I have warned everyone, I am putting my pen down, close my computer and won’t be working until I have arrived in Uganda on June 14, for a week of teaching about coaching, supervising and communicating with the aim of improving the delivery of family planning services. The consequence of this schedule is that I am now making very long days in order to get all my design work done for a series of activities and trips that will reach into late July when we are all getting ready for celebrating Axel’s 69^th and receiving our new grandchild into this world. Summer hasn’t even started and it is already going too fast.

We got bad news last night about Axel’s cousin who has just declined further surgery for a mouth cancer that appears determined to kill her; it is the second person who I have folded into my heart over the last two weeks. She is right there next to my ex-husband. Both have run out of options. Both are, I am told, in a lot of pain, even with pain meds.

I have known my share of pains but the thing about pain is that when it is gone, the bodily memory of it is gone too. I have only vague recollections of being in great pain. The recollections I do have are of the surprise about the intensity and the persistence of the thought that this pain is going to be forever. But they are not. My pains have always been post-operative and musculo-skeletal pains. These are temporary, the kind we forget.

They who are dying from inside are in my heart right next to the people who were at the wrong place in the wrong time in Kabul and paid with their lives. They were there to help the Afghans – I don’t think anyone forced them to be there. Going to Afghanistan now feels like playing Russian roulette. If I’d be invited to go back to Kabul, even for a very short trip, I now think I’d decline, albeit with great reluctance. I do want to be there with my Afghan colleagues, but in the past we were never a target; now I am not so sure anymore.

Because of all this bad news my thoughts have been somber. I have been trying to imagine what it is like to know that you are being destroyed from the inside, from your own cells going rogue; to know that there is no ‘same time next year.’ What would I be preoccupied with, other than putting my affairs in order? Would there be people I wanted to see a lot, books to read, movies to see? Or would I want to write, be in beautiful places, surrounded by my favorite people? Not knowing this I am at a loss as to how I can be of use to them.

All this put things in perspective: the recovery of my shoulder, the worry about the other shoulder which is cranky from over-use, the enormous amount of design work that needs to happen before my next trip and the mess in my home office which I try to deal with before it overwhelms me again and again.

Maybe it is no coincidence that I made a dish called “Dutch Babies’ for breakfast in honor of all that is good, sweet and innocent and of course my new grand-nephew Wiebe Berend.