Sylvia's Journal

Before I write each day I read the new messages on the Caringbridge site. I assure you, there is no such a thing as ‘lege kreten’ (empty words/slogans) as each message props me up and each adds to the healing, thank you so much for writing us!

I had a very long night, 12 hours, and slept some of those partly on my side, supporting my sore ribs with pillows, a new found freedom.

Yesterday was another exhausting day; I don’t know why and can only hope that the exhaustion comes from tremendous work done inside my body, even though it doesn’t necessarily feel that way. I went to bed at 6 PM dead tired and once again in tears and feeling lousy. Sita sat wit me for some time and we remembered the many nights I sat with her when she was little and needed my presence to fall asleep. I’d do a hundred of these nights over again with this knowledge of their caring, nursing and deep love.

Sita spent hours with Axel yesterday to sort out our (his) financial administration system and she thinks she gets it now. After all this is over we may hire her to continue doing this. It made me all very anxious and I am relieved now.

Debbie, our neighbor came early in the morning a time when the house is always in deep sleep (the girls are night owls) and we sat and talked for an hour about everything and nothing. She left me with lunch, cookies and coffee. Later in the day Dianne showed up with another batch of the now famous Beirut gazpacho. Lynn showed up with another delicious cold soup and wonderful grainy bread. All together this was my dinner. Lynn’s daughter Essie recently started working with a PR firm in New York, a connection I was able to make through their staff member Gerald who works with MSH on our leadership program. It is a small world and it shows, as Caringbridge shows too, there is nothing quite as powerful as a network of connections.

In the background Paul, Axel’s therapist, and Mary Wright, are working quietly to set me up with a more permanent psychological support system. I am a little daunted by the prospect of having to establish such a new relationship again, as I know it is a big investment of energy, but I realize it will pay off in the long run. After all, I do want to come out of this strong and healthy again, both in body and mind.

Several friends from out of state and out of the country are calling me/us frequently, sending flowers, cards, foot massage cream, licorice, music, fancy food packages and books/videos with such appropriate titles as “How to be Idle” and “the meaning of life.” Thanks to Sietske, Emilie, the ASE staff, Ok, Annette. I am buoyed by all this attention and the girls love to unpack these goodies and participate in the eating (especially the cookies and the licorice).

Now the countdown starts for Axel’s return: one more week. This is as far as my horizon goes. I am glad to know that Joan is returning home on Saturday. Those of you who know Joan and Morsi, and live in or near Boston, please check in with them to help with this transition. I have several dedicated caretakers and they all need some time off. I am sure that Morsi is going to need some reinforcement as Joan probably needs someone to be with her at all times of the day. Good luck Joan, I hope you can hear us cheering!

One day slowly relinquishes to the next over a long night. Last night I followed this process in half hour segments. Some nights are endless. It appears that I am less stiff after such a night, maybe because I move more, sit up, drink some water, pee, go back to sleep, whereas the few nights I slept long hours, I wake up stiff as a corpse.

Axel and I judge our days as good and bad. Much of that has to do with how we feel physically. For me yesterday appeared good for a long time and then about 6 PM I completely fell apart and could not stop crying. A few complications, all mashed together reached the threshold of what I can handle: the dishwasher saga, a series of what seemed simple questions about our finances and administration, my concern for the girls’ well being and I just wanted to roll up in a ball and go to a faraway place. Tessa put me to bed at 6:30 and reminded me of the nurse at Umass Medical who told me it was time to stop entertaining the many guests and focus on myself and my body’s healing. “You are way too strong!” – Tessa repeated those words. But at that moment I did not feel strong at all, more like a jellyfish. Still it is hard to extract myself from all the endless decision making processes that are going on in the background.

Not surprising it was a night full of vivid dreams. I remember a part on a ski lift and worrying how to get off at the top with my cast. I was thinking of something very complicated which involved dropping my skis at a flat piece and landing on my good leg. And then, so very simple, the ski lift operator stopped the lift at the top and wheeled up my wheelchair and I got off without any effort or risk. Another part of my dream involved my sister and brother-in-law checking out a (the?) house and each room was named after another African country and I had the largest room which I had to share.

I had a fairly quiet day and spent most of the morning making more paper flowers. I only had one visitor at the end of the day, Martin Imm from North Shore Friends meeting who has offered to take the girls on a sailing trip so they can relax. Our neighbor Kurt showed up holding the biggest level in the world and brought his carpenter Paul. He held a bunch of papers which he said was a summary of the 1000s of ADA requirements for ramps. They took measurements for the ramp out of the backdoor which will allow me to wheel myself out into the yard when the good weather returns.

Suzie Talbot finished making our vegetable garden the most beautiful in the neighborhood and Tessa brought me the most perfect pepper and tomato. Oh how I wish I could sit in that garden and watch things grow.

Steve and his friend Mike went mussel picking and produced a delicious meal with which they sent me off to bed.

Waking up is one of the more painful parts of the day. As my body awakens, so does every sore muscle and the pleasant weightlessness of sleep is rudely interrupted. As I wrote earlier, it is a still a slow rise to the surface of consciousness, with every inch closer providing an ounce more of pain. It is not always like this but today is clearly one of those days. Long live oxycontin! We are experimenting with hot and cold packs and massage, and sometimes simply diversion!

Abigail Axelrod came again yesterday to give the girls a massage. This is purely selfish on my part and the girls have not complained. In fact they are getting hooked on it. This is one way we are using some of your generous donations.

Again I did not make it to Salem but Axel and I talk on the phone several times a day. He is working really hard as he knows he has to get the most out of each of the remaining 9 days. As a result he is often very exhausted. So please call him before you visit to make sure he is up to it or not climbing stairs someplace.

Our neighbor Kurt came over with a bag full of blueberries and we had a great visit talking about all the weird things that happen in our neighborhood, worth an episode on City Confidential.

In the pouring rain, Susie Talbot and Peggy Caulkins and daughter Caroline worked in our garden. They are professionals and I am sure it looks great now. These are moments that I am less resigned to my situation and I wished I could join them and get my hands dirty. Thanks for your generosity, it means a lot to me.

Later, still in the pouring rain Sita and I went to see our regular nurse practitioner and doctor and it felt like a significant milestone on the way back to normal. I got some exercises to slowly expand my range of motion for several body parts. May be this explains the pains this morning!

Fatou (Fatu) came by around dinnertime with more African food and while she was there her mom called from Senegal and wished us all speedy recovery in between several al-hamdu-lillahs. She is one of many people who are praying for us in Senegal and our spirits are lifted by this support from afar.

We had a most wonderful evening ‘en famille’ with Andrew sitting in for Axel. Sita and Andrew did the Monday crossword puzzle while Tessa and I were making paper flowers from the kit that Jennifer Rodine sent us and the two boys were cheating on google for the crossword puzzle and generally making comments from the peanut gallery on this sweet domestic scene. It was wonderful and I am very anxious for Axel to be with us. There are at least 10 more flowers to make; we’ll save some for him.

I am happy to report that I read all of Jenny Jackson’s books except for Harry Potter (Axel is about halfway) and I can concentrate longer and longer. I enjoyed them all. Thanks so very much. I also completed the puzzle Anne Dodge and I started some 8 days ago. These are the small accomplishments that count these days.

I listened in on the scheming between Sita and Fatou and noticed in Sita’s posting that the wheels have been set in motion. I am looking forward to the event.

Sita came back from a weekend in Goshen and on her way back stopped in Gardner. A souvenir hunter she is. She brought back two small pieces from the plane: one from the windshield and one from de fuselage. She described the scene and how landing in any other spot would probably have been fatal. Then, Antony from Azerbaijan sent me a link to a BBC report of a light airplane crash in Britain where all four passengers died because the plane could not get enough lift, brushed the top of trees and came down and exploded. So, here is how bad luck changes into good luck.

More abundance coming our/my way yesterday: Fatou found us after having lost track for many years and then found us in this state! She works at Salem hospital and lost no time in checking us out and cheering us on. Fatou, in my mind, is associated with Senegalese hospitality and large quantities for African food. She will be keeping an eye on Axel and is plotting something that involves food and lots of people.

Mary Wright showed up as the day nurse giving Tessa a chance to see her dad. She handed over my care to Lynndsie after lunch while I was taking a long post lunch nap, so I never said goodbye and thank you, so here they are. Lynndsie brought more meals and we spent a glorious late afternoon that felt like fall together until Sita came back. Earlier Diane Neal Emmons with her husband Curtis Prout showed up and we explored the pros and cons of sleeping upstairs and downstairs. We are starting to research a lift that could ferry me and Axel up and down the stairs. It is appealing to be able to return to our regular bedroom when Axel comes home: at least some sense of normalcy.

Martin Ray from North Shore Friends Meetings showed up with some scones and we nibbled on those while sitting by the cove. Martin had not realized that the photos that Sita has been posting are not under the Photo tab but in her Flickr account. The link to her account is in the Links section.

I was so rested that I was able to stay up and watch Sherlock Holmes and for the first time asked for and enjoyed a plate with deserts: fruit (the remainder of the extraordinary edible bouquet), whipped cream and chocolate. All this while Sita and Tessa were describing the suspicious contents of the many small drawers in the barn/studio/Axel’s office and concluded that Mr. Cabot (the owner of our house pre 1950) was a particular kind of (mad?) scientist, and let their imagination run away with them, as they can do so well. I had to press a pillow hard on my belly to keep the laughing from hurting too much.

Sita was working on the calendar last night and I noticed she posted a link in the journal to test out. Please try and let her know what is working and what is not. Thanks for the continuing flow of cards and flowers, prayers, Reiki vibes and all that. We are indeed getting better each day. Tessa says Axel is no longer shuffling but really walking now. Joan is walking with a cane and I can take a shower on my own. We have already come a long way from that Monday three weeks ago!

Cheers,
Sylvia

The dishwasher drama Tessa described is one of those moments that my inability to do much of anything comes sharply and painfully into focus. I can’t jump out of bed, run up or down stairs, and really be of any help other than telling what I know. Coming out of sleep, my brain did not function all that well. Anyways, I am glad to read that Axel did not experience any such handicap and was able to give wise counsel from afar. I am also happy to know the cause of this mishap and waking up this morning without seeing water seeping over the threshold. I may further contemplate sleeping upstairs again, after Axel comes home. But that is another story.

John Gorsline, the father of Tessa’s best friend Sarah, surprised me with an hour of his undivided attention. We knew each other only slightly through our daughters and a couple of Christmas get togethers. We may never have exchanged more than 20 words in our lifetime. And yet, we sat in the yard and talked as old friends. We talked about this tendency of the mind to rewind the story over and over. I was deeply moved by his generosity of spirit.

Pauline and Alberto Haddad showed up with their little children and an enormous Lebanese mezze. It was the biggest meal I have eaten so far (with this sort of food I forget about limits). We had a wonderful time, talking, eating, watching the children, as if nothing had happened to me. Just one of those great summer gifts: friends, great food in the most beautiful place on earth. Sallie Craig showed up minutes after the Haddads with Gado-Gado, an Indonesian vegetable dish which we saved for the evening. Sallie Craig’s presence released the girls and all took off to run errands and do things they needed/wanted to do.

Sallie Craig took me to Axel and we had another nice visit. Not having seen Axel for nearly two weeks, Sallie Craig was quite surprised to find him in great sprits and not so much looking like an accident victim. He is not wearing a Johnny anymore but a regular T-shirt. And of course, no braces. Sallie Craig withdrew to the rehab’s lovely deck and read her book, so we could be alone for a bit. Thank you for all these gifts (food, driving, privacy, company, etc.)

These trips to Salem exhaust me and I think I ought to be taking them earlier in the day and may be not each day, as much as I like to see Axel. I am counting the days until his return home, maybe another 10 days or so.

I was thrilled to see Joan’s appearance in the guestbook. I am encouraging her to write in the journal as well since this calamity happened to three of us, not just Axel and me. I also hope that Joan and Morsi will use caringbridge to indicate their needs as I imagine Morsi must run out of steam now and then.

Mike Morris talks about guilt. You want to fight about who has most? I am not a catholic but in this round I may win from you.

Thanks Joe for the exercise. I am going to postpone it though. Later. I first have to go to this dark place, no matter all the advice from everyone about not going there. When Axel’s fatigue kicks in and he looks frail and tired I am overwhelmed with guilt and ask myself ‘what did I do to him?’ I can’t see Joan in that situation but the same question pops up, and then the tears start flowing and the regrets burst over the levee and the film starts to rewind with all the possibilities of not making those mistakes, doing the correct landing and going on with life as planned (I would have been on the plane to Dar es Salaam as I write this).

I can’t help myself. It is as if I have to go there to place an offering on the altar of the god of regrets, to appease him (her?) and get this out of my system. I am drawn there even as I am fully aware of the blessings and the goodness that seems to have come from this and which I might not have seen in its full glory if all things had gone as planned. There also would have been blessings and goodness – maybe of a different character – but blessings nevertheless – had I not crashed the plane and life had gone on as before. It’s not as if it had been dull or without friends and joys. Those images also spin through my mind: together harvesting our new potatoes, the tomatoes, the morning omelets with fresh chard, the kayaking, the daily walks, mussel picking, a flight to Maine to see Andrew and Katy Blair, the things we had planned, were planning for the summer.

Yesterday a letter came from the FAA. Sita said it was written by a robot, which is why she insisted on calling the robot later in the day as she wanted to give it a piece of her mind. The letter was rather blunt about my incompetence as a pilot and that, unless I called within 10 days to make an appointment for a practical flight test, my license would be suspended. It was like the small stone in a bowl of soft rice, the piece of eggshell in a fluffy omelet or the cherry stone in a cheesecake. It hurt. The contrast between all the gushing about how great, courageous, brave, strong, etc I am and this assessment was quite stark. I had to swallow a few times, even though I know the assessment was correct and I already knew that I would have to sign up for another check ride. But still.

Cary from MSH was my first visitor. She was one of the MSH crew who stepped in to teach the course at BU that I was supposed to start teaching the 17th. Gratefulness mingled with regrets, I had looked so much forward to this teaching. The course was a success and hopefully will be repreated for a third time next year.

Larry and Amy from DC showed up as well as Annie from West Newbury whose presence allowed the girls a break. We sampled another variety of gazpacho and then drove to Salem where we watched Axel shuffle up and down the hall. Progress again, further, steadier. Then they left me alone with Axel (“get into bed with him!” said Annie) and we started to talk, maybe for the first time, about the crash and my feelings. More tears, and also more admonishments to not go there. But I did and probably need to for some time. How can I not?