Sylvia's Journal

Glad to read another contributor to the journal and more eye witness reports about Axel. His computer is also in rehab but as soon as it returns I hope that Axel himself can start to post. For now Joe or Tessa or Sita will do that for him.

Yesterday I wrote about the two necklaces. There are a few big and prominent beads on the necklace of sighs and disappointments which I did not mention because they are so hard for me to look at and describe. These are the beads that represent Axel, Joan, Morsi and Neveen and Ahmad (Morsi’s children). Something momentous has happened in their lives for which I am responsible. This is as far as I can go with it, now. (By the way, they are also beads on the necklace of blessings, where I can look them more squarely in the face).

The first few days after the accident I had this movie playing in my head and I was trying to give it another ending. This compulsion has stopped now. The movie still starts sometime but then I physically turn my head away – I don”t want to see what happens next.

One of these days I have to tackle the big brown manilla envelope which contains the paperwork that I need to fill in for the NTSB. I have asked Arne from the Beverly Flight Center to assist me in this. Arne, I think the time has come to do this, what about Monday?

The plane(wreck) is in Maine somewhere. Suddenly it had left Gardner airport, before Jim was able to get our belongings out. (I am especially anxious to get Axel his backpack with his notebook and camera back. As you know he did not travel anywhere without these two items.)

Antony from Baku had asked what about the plane….well, it is a wreck. If you google my name plus words like small airplane crash and/or Gardner airport you will see that question answered quite clearly.

The night is still cut up in countless half hour segments through which I move in slow motion. I have given up on getting the pain medication right. I should have known that there are constantly changing dynamics in my body and between my body and mind, which makes settling on one fixed dose impossible. Nurse Tessa is doing her best but here no one can advise me I fear.

I am going to visit Axel this morning. We had a plan to visit him yesterday but my body tends to be at the end of its rope by the time 6 PM rolls around and protests against even the most minor challenges. A road trip to Salem seemed like a cross country trip.

Tomorrow is Axel’s 61st birthday. I have a lot to be thankful for.

I was very aware of the end of the graduation ceremony of the BU course yesterday. Here I am listed as faculty and never showed up. Another disappointment among so many others, the things I cannot do, we cannot do, have to cancel/postpone, mourn, etc. It’s like a necklace, each bead comes with a sigh: the Bastille party at Anne and Chuck, the cookout at our house with the BU students that was to take place the 15th, the salsa dancing at Castle Hill, Flying to Martha’s Vineyard, with Axel and Andrew, a tour over Essex county with Karen and Sarah, kayaking with Axel and the St. Johns, followed by a mussel meal on our beach, tending the garden and picking its goodies, picking the ripest raspberries just minutes before the chipmunks show up before going to work at 6 AM, etc.

There is another necklace that has mostly covered up the one made up of disappointments and that is the one with the blessings. Each bead is one blessing. It is an enormously long necklace: the bog and trees that broke our fall, the rescue teams that got us to the hospital, the resilience and strength of our bodies, our daughters and their mates, our families, the many friends and acquaintances who are rooting, praying, cooking, driving etc. for us, Blue Cross Blue Shield, MSH, my many colleagues and friends in far away places, the Beverly Flight Center staff, our neighbors, the Gloucester Visiting Nurses, etc. This necklace is on top!

I am full of anticipation for this day, which brings week two of our recovery to and end. I am celebrating Axel’s transfer to Salem and hope to see him later. Sita went back to Amherst to take care of her own life for the weekend, make some music and pack up for the move to Lobster Cover. Tessa has taken over the RN role and is learning about dosage and pain medication while Steve is busy setting up the pen for Tessa’s rabbit Nijntje so we can all be together again.

I had a visit early (Friday) morning from Judy Seltzer, beating traffic all the way from Ashland, we had a nice time while the rest of the household was in deep sleep. I had my first cup of coffee since the accident. Another first, sitting outside at the end of the day, a glorious evening at lobster cover, I sipped a pretend beer (O’Doul) and it tasted like a real beer. I am surely but steadily getting better!

An ambulance will take Axel tomorrow to Shaughnessy-Kaplan Rehabilitation Hospital in Salem. We are thrilled to have him closer by and starting this new phase in his recovery. He called me with the good news and was in great spirits. He did more sitting and standing up today and obviously did well enough to make this decision. Stay tuned.

Last night I went to bed at 8 PM ‘in pieces.’ The VNA nurse had already told me that my body is still in shock and I think last night it went ‘out of shock’ for a moment. Every cell, bone and muscle hurt and I preferred to get back to the ‘in shock’ state. I think I said something like ‘I feel like I have been in a wreck.’ Thanks to chemicals for better living I fell into a long dopey sleep. It stopped the pain and the tears.

I feel better now. They aches continue of course but they are manageable even though I am at the end of my dopey night.

Yesterday I finished my first book since the accident (Stormy Weather by Carl Hiaasen) that Ann Buxbaum brought me early last week. I remember seeing the size of the book and thinking I could never finish a book like that. But I did and it was just the right book. In the meantime Sita’s friend Jenny who is an editor sent me a stack of her books and I am enjoying the anticipation of my next good read.

As you have already seen in earlier writings, small things have become huge accomplishments, paying bills, renewing the car registration online, transferring car insurance from us (not going to be driving for some time) to our daughters and sons-in law, etc. all these are reasons for celebration (who’d have thunk).

I am pecking away at the food that is still flooding in and am now helped by a few hungry young folks who are working hard on my comfort and deserve good meals. I am thrilled that Birgit’s recipe for Gazpacho from Beirut that appeared in the guest book has been transformed into real gazpacho by Diane and was dropped off yesterday afternoon.

I also had my first experience of Jewish comfort food: Kugel and Matzoh ball soup (AS Ann Lassman wrote us ‘better than WASP comfort food like fluffernutter.’) I totally agree, it was just what the doctor prescribed. We are trying to get some to Axel.

I talked many time to Axel yesterday and he had a good day except at the end when the physical therapist tried to stand him up. That was painful and discouraging and a clear indication of the next challenge for him. These talks buoy me but also make me miss him terribly.

Thanks to all of you who visited Axel and who got a peek at the reality of his current condition. It will help see the progress later on.

Joe Sterling arrived in the middle of the night from San Diego, which means we have a new caretaker on our team. As always, Sita and Tessa and their wonderful men are making up a thousandfold for the trials and tribulations of their teenage years. Pay back accomplished, enough already! I am so totally awed by them.

A request to my Dutch readers:
ik drink liters zoethout thee (koud) per dag en krijg zo genoeg water naar binnen, maar de zoethout thee zakjes zijn bijna op. Kan iemand ons wat (AH) zoethout thee opsturen? het is hier niet makkelijk te krijgen.
En de Texelse schapen voeten creme die ik indertijd met Sietske op de geitenboerderij in het Amsterdamse Bos kocht wordt dagelijks gebruikt voor Axel’s voeten en is nu ook bijna op. Voordat Tessa zoekt naar iets soortgelijks hier, laat even horen of iemand dit kan opsturen.

Onwards, forward, where else?
s