Sylvia's Journal

In a few days Axel will fly west to California and I will fly east to Holland. Both will be trips full of sadness and memories, as I attend the funeral service of my first husband and Axel will visit his cousin who is fighting cancer on several fronts.

On Wednesday last week I wrote an alphabet of memories for my first husband, not knowing what else I could do from a distance, other than this distraction, a trip down memory lane. I wrote that I hoped it would make him smile and forget all the pain and worry and sadness. The next morning he wrote me back. I had succeeded to put a smile on his face. This was particularly momentous given that the doctor didn’t think he was going to wake up that morning. But he did and he saw my alphabet. He even sent it to his kids, by way of introduction and copied me. I am sure the purpose was less to let me know he had done that and more to get us connected via email. Two mornings later he was dead and I was able, because of that forwarded email to write to his children, who I have never met. People may complain about how email is wreaking havoc with our social lives. But in this case it allowed us to say farewell to each other and do it with a smile. I am so very grateful for this.

I am of course also very grateful to the Wright Brothers (brought back to life lately in David McCullough’s new book). It is because of their persistence and courage that I am able to attend the funeral service in Holland this coming Thursday.

I will find myself amidst people who were so much part of my daily life and of our adventures in Groningen, Leiden, Geneva, Beirut, Yemen and finally Beirut again. This gathering will complete the postscript to an important coming-of-age chapter in my life; a chapter that was about courtship, adventure, love, wonder, excitement, loyalty and betrayal and eventually heartbreak. That book can now be closed. It is the heartbreak that opened up doors to the life I am now living, to my family, my career and our home at Lobster Cove. It goes to show that you never know whether a change is good or bad, until much later.

Today’s Memorial Day rituals, where we honor the dead, allowed me to slip in thoughts of Peter, even though he had nothing to do with American patriotism (and probably would have wanted no part of it).

Monday I met with the surgeon who fixed my shoulder. I surprised him by lifting my arm nearly straight up. He warned me to not become overconfident and not carry anything heavier than a cup of coffee in my left hand until the end of July. Only then can I begin with the strengthening exercises. Four months post-op is a long time, but the worst is behind me. If people didn’t know about my operation there is nothing that would give it away.

Our trees have burst into bloom: the purple of the wisteria matches the purple of the old lilac in front of the house. It is flanked by Jennee’s beach plum, which is turning to be quite resilient after many attacks. Then there is the apple tree near the garden, the light purple creeping phlox, the white creepingdeep purple double lilac, the white and blue forget-me-nots that intermingle with the raspberries. It is a feast for the eyes.

The asparagus is producing enough for a meal for us two every other days, and sometimes there is enough for the neighbors as well. But the asparagus beetles have arrived and we are no longer the only ones interested in the asparagus bed. They are persistent little buggers. We followed the book last fall but they came back and we don’t want to use pesticides. Handpicking is what is called for, but you have to be out there all the time.

The cranberry beans, the potatoes (red bliss), the thyme, the peas from Tessa and the spinach and garlic are growing fast. The leeks are still tiny and spindly and if the deer we saw the other day wanders into our garden then we may not ever eat any of these.

Vacation and trips are advancing rapidly. By June 5, I have warned everyone, I am putting my pen down, close my computer and won’t be working until I have arrived in Uganda on June 14, for a week of teaching about coaching, supervising and communicating with the aim of improving the delivery of family planning services. The consequence of this schedule is that I am now making very long days in order to get all my design work done for a series of activities and trips that will reach into late July when we are all getting ready for celebrating Axel’s 69^th and receiving our new grandchild into this world. Summer hasn’t even started and it is already going too fast.

We got bad news last night about Axel’s cousin who has just declined further surgery for a mouth cancer that appears determined to kill her; it is the second person who I have folded into my heart over the last two weeks. She is right there next to my ex-husband. Both have run out of options. Both are, I am told, in a lot of pain, even with pain meds.

I have known my share of pains but the thing about pain is that when it is gone, the bodily memory of it is gone too. I have only vague recollections of being in great pain. The recollections I do have are of the surprise about the intensity and the persistence of the thought that this pain is going to be forever. But they are not. My pains have always been post-operative and musculo-skeletal pains. These are temporary, the kind we forget.

They who are dying from inside are in my heart right next to the people who were at the wrong place in the wrong time in Kabul and paid with their lives. They were there to help the Afghans – I don’t think anyone forced them to be there. Going to Afghanistan now feels like playing Russian roulette. If I’d be invited to go back to Kabul, even for a very short trip, I now think I’d decline, albeit with great reluctance. I do want to be there with my Afghan colleagues, but in the past we were never a target; now I am not so sure anymore.

Because of all this bad news my thoughts have been somber. I have been trying to imagine what it is like to know that you are being destroyed from the inside, from your own cells going rogue; to know that there is no ‘same time next year.’ What would I be preoccupied with, other than putting my affairs in order? Would there be people I wanted to see a lot, books to read, movies to see? Or would I want to write, be in beautiful places, surrounded by my favorite people? Not knowing this I am at a loss as to how I can be of use to them.

All this put things in perspective: the recovery of my shoulder, the worry about the other shoulder which is cranky from over-use, the enormous amount of design work that needs to happen before my next trip and the mess in my home office which I try to deal with before it overwhelms me again and again.

Maybe it is no coincidence that I made a dish called “Dutch Babies’ for breakfast in honor of all that is good, sweet and innocent and of course my new grand-nephew Wiebe Berend.

Since Sita is too pregnant to travel comfortable for hours in a car we headed out west to Easthampton and celebrate Mother’s Day on Saturday. Tessa joined us as well. It was a beautiful day. We sat in the yard while Jim was working in the garden and Faro entertained himself under the sprinkler and by jumping on one or the other of his grandparents who were trying to take a nap in the hammock. Now liberated from my sling I found it hard not to activate my left arm. Not surprisingly I was rather sore by the end of the day.

We finished the afternoon with an outdoor Mexican meal at a lovely small restaurant in Easthampton after which Faro went to bed and Tessa, Axel and I headed out east to Tessa and Steve’s NH home. The distance from our house to Sita’s and from Sita’s to Tessa is exactly the same, 124 miles, but going to Sita and Jim is a straight shot along highways. From there to Tessa is mostly along secondary roads that parade as highways. Axel drove and I slept, claiming my recovery from surgery status (still).

Tessa and Steve’s house is nestled in the woods. I was up early and enjoyed looking over their pond, watching the wild life and seeing the peaceful part of their new neighborhood. Doing it from inside the house was great but once I stepped outside I realized that there are some drawbacks to living so close to nature. There are black flies and ticks (not so great), beavers (it depends) and porcupines (if you are Oona, not so good). I had to put on some strong chemicals, multiple times, to keep the flies away. The ticks I discovered later, and Oona encountered the porcupine with not such a good outcome (an emergency visit to the vet).

Wen not pestered by all these critters, the peace and quiet is periodically interrupted by motor bikes, target shooting (we are in NH where people live free and die if they want to), and lawn movers. One cannot get away from those. Only Faro likes these hard sounds.

I admired the new chicklets that will provide them (and us sometimes) with a steady stream of eggs Tessa promised. There are twelve (still), all with the baby feathers still visible but clearly starting to drop them and develop their adult feather coat. Tessa and Steve have done an amazing job getting the two species used to each other. Still, I tensed up when the two dogs were let into the chicken house. I could tell that Chicha had a hard time reconciling her hunting instincts with Tessa’s reminders to be nice. She couldn’t help herd the tiny little birds into a corner where they squeaked up a storm. Oona just wanted to lick them – but few were interested.

Our afternoon walk produced the porcupine encounter, a rush trip to the vet to liberate Oona from the quills, costing several hundred dollars, poison ivy on my hands and ticks appearing in spite of several tick checks. We should have gone to the mall – I would have gotten my exercise without the poison ivy and ticks and Tessa and Steve would have saved themselves several hundred dollars, even if we’d had bought stuff. By the end of the day all these not so great encounters with the great outdoors were forgotten thanks to a lovely asparagus dinner on their deck and some excellent boutique ice cream.

Exactly 6 weeks ago I stood at the portal to this long road to recovery and sighed at the length of time before me. Then, six weeks seemed an eternity; a one-armed journey with a bulky sling, awkward nights, back sleeping for a side sleeper. Not to speak of the first few weeks when I was sore, and dreaded encounters with people slapping me on the shoulder and giving bear hugs, while gingerly avoiding my lower arm and hand in the sling. And then the last weeks (true still) where the tendinitis and pain in the other upper arm and shoulder worsened considerably, due to double duty no doubt.

But, as they always do, the last day of these 6 weeks arrived yesterday. I took the sling off and forgot about it. It is not that I am out of the woods. “Nothing heavier than a coffee cup,” said the surgeon, although he did not specify whether the cup should be empty or full. Physical therapy will continue for 6 more weeks and then months of strength training. Six months to one year until full recovery, some people say.

I returned Thursday night from DC and had planned, as I do frequently, to take Friday off. But a series of meetings on Thursday had produced many responses to questions regarding the design of a large technical summit for my pharmacist colleagues, late June. My head was spinning as I glanced over the (poorly organized) notes I had taken. I figured that I had to rely on memory, and if I didn’t work on Friday, on Monday my insights and memories would be gone. So the planned day off became a 10 hour workday. But when I closed my computer, exactly at 6 PM yesterday, there was nothing to remember as all was put to paper.

Last night we attended another Zoe Lewis concert, may be our fourth or fifth, at Passim. We invited friends and found several colleagues and ex-colleagues there, making up about one third of the audience. It was a perfect ending to a day of slogging. Zoe’s energy and talent, was, as usual, sky high. She was accompanied by our friend Marc who is a clarinet virtuoso and young Ben who is defending his thesis next week but took some time off to complement Zoe and Marc with his jazzy harmonica sounds. When we got home it was long beyond my bedtime. I had forgotten all about the 10 hours of work.

Something like spring, with an occasional whiff of summer arrived this weekend. About 10 asparagus are poking their heads through the ground. We mulched and fertilized and cow-manured to make sure they have everything they need to grow into healthy stalks. I suspect in a few days we can have our first asparagus meal. Unfortunately I will be in DC.

The annual ritual of cleaning of the sticky residue that covers our indoor plants after a long winter with aphids has begun. Axel will have to do this alone since I remain one-armed. Although I am not supposed to liberate my arm until Friday, I stopped sleeping with the sling and when working on my computer. I do my exercises faithfully, passively stretching the unused muscles and tendons.

After May, with a couple of trips to DC, June and July have me travel to Uganda, Madagascar and Ethiopia or Togo. All trips require much prep work. I welcome the lonely evenings in my hotel room in DC (sorry DC friends, no visits), giving me several more hours to do what I can’t do during the day. Later in June Axel and I will drive to DC where I have a week-long conference but Axel is planning to play.

My trip in June to Uganda gives me 24 hours in Holland. I rented wheels so I don’t have to put up with the Dutch train system’s Sunday repairs, complicating otherwise simple trips. The 24 hours give me enough time to see my youngest brother in Amersfoort where he will turn his partnership of 16+ years into a marriage and visit a very ill friend near Leiden. But I am running ahead of myself. Asparagus first!

Today is week 5 post-op. I have one more week in my sling. According to my physical therapist I am doing well. I am on track and exactly where I should be in terms of degrees of sideway and forward movement of my arm, stretching the now stiff muscles around my shoulder. It’s a 6 months process and I am still in the passive movement phase, probably until later this month.

I cheated last night, taking the sling off to sleep better; I am not sure it worked as I still wake up several times during the night. I look forward to sleeping through the night, something I haven’t done since late November when I fell.

Axel is responsible for the spring chores as I cannot handle a rake. It’s frustrating as I actually like to get the beds ready for planting and prune the bushes. All I could do was fertilize the garlic and asparagus beds and brush away the debris to liberate the tops of about five asparagus breaking through the surface. I can also do most everything else with one hand, including the laundry, shopping and cooking. Tonight I will try to pick up the knitting of the finger puppets.

I returned home from Ethiopia on Sunday. On Monday Axel came back from his two week Europe trip, a week’s conference in Munich and a week of visiting relatives and friends in Holland. I had hoped to return via Holland and share in the fun but the business class trip was expensive enough as it was going straight through Frankfurt both ways. We talked on Skype while we were both in Germany, a separation of about 200 miles.

While Holland and Germany were far advanced in Spring, coming home to bare trees and even still some piles of dirty snow was discouraging. But the sun of the last few days has awakened everything and everybody, and so there is hope. A few asparagus tips are visible. We will eat our own asparagus next week!

I had hoped to take it easy and rest on Monday but such was not the case; several tasks had lined up to keep me busy and Monday became a regular workday. I am lucky in the sense that there are many assignments stacked in front of me, no dull moments or times without work, stretching into September, with a few occasions to catch my breath: a week in June when my sister visits, a week after Sita gives birth in August and two weeks in Maine at the end of August and the first week of September. It’s strange to think that far ahead to the end of the summer when we have just barely entered into spring.

When I left Ethiopia the earthquake hit in Kathmandu. I got in touch with my friends, wide and far, who are connected to my experiences in Nepal. All are safe but some have lost much. Not able to do much other than giving money, I support ICA-Nepal in their courageous efforts to alleviate suffering and contribute what they can. My thoughts and prayers are with all of the people of Nepal.

Such catastrophes put things in perspectives, including my occasional sighs about my recovering left shoulder which is till immobilized in a sling until May 8 (although I am cheating a bit).