Sylvia's Journal

Because I am one of the first to arrive in my part of the compound where a large and loaded fig tree grows I get to have first dibs at the one(s) that ripened overnight. I scan the tree before I leave the office at the end of the day to see where the next ripe one will be. They go from green to purple during the night. Others are eyeing the tree too but it is Ramadan and they cannot pop a ripe fig in their mouth they way I can which gives me a huge advantage. Figs don’t keep that well.

The leadership workshop, part one of four, ended today. About 2 hours of material is still left, to be completed next week. I told the teams that I hoped to see their energy and commitment multiplied by the time I come back. Everyone nodded obediently. I so badly want these folks to make the changes they want and they can make. Will they be able to continue to operate as a team when they go back across the road to their usual place of work? That remains the big question. It is good that they are so close – my team can come and visit often to encourage them.

M and I left before the end of the workshop to return to the office for a coaching session with the midwives team. I always enjoy working with these (mostly) young women and see them thinking about how to get more focused, more organized. I am withdrawing from the training and coaching now though not disengaging – it is now in the hands of two of my young female colleagues.

In the evening Chris had organized a birthday party for one of the expats on our team, all the others were invited. We are seven now; aside from me 5 permanent, or as permanent as one can be here, and one who commutes to Kabul every other month from Idaho. We feasted on dishes made by our best cook and a banana-walnut cream cake. It had two enormous birds sitting on the top made of frosting that was either pure butter or pure lard with sugar and food coloring (FD&C Red nr 40 and yellow nr 6 I think) because, as the evening wore on, the birds started to droop and turn into blobs – no one wanted to eat the frosted after we considered that its main ingredient might be lard.

I gave AB the fake flowers Axel gave me for my first birthday in Kabul and various leftover bath salts because AB uses manly cologne so I think he would like such things; besides he lives in a house with two oval bath tubs, one pink and one ivory colored, that would do justice to these products. My bathtub is simply not so comfortable for long soaks. For good measure I threw in Ayurvedic sleeping pills (I Sleep Soundly) because I think he keeps odd hours especially after he returns from leave.

And now a long weekend has started, one of two in as many weeks. This one is to celebrate independence from the Brits, a while ago. They could have many independence days in this country, in addition to many more ‘Dependence Days.’

It was a slow and tedious day – the kind of day when you look constantly at your watch and find little movement “What, only 5 minutes have passed since I last looked at the clock?” This is hospital time – as I remember from four years ago – crawling through the night watching every minute taking its sweet time to complete the circle, then dozing off and, when awake again, noticing that only 2 minutes have passed and wondering whether it will ever get morning.

In Dutch we have a saying that the last pieces of lead are the heaviest (the laatste loodjes wegen het zwaarst). These last weeks are hard because in my mind I am already home. The discrepancy between where I want to be and where I am makes me irritable, testy and impatient. I was so with my boss in our senior staff meeting this morning. I apologized afterwards to him and felt embarrassed – I had for a moment lost my mind.

In the leadership workshop we have one facilitator who is losing his voice and another who stayed home with a migraine headache. I didn’t feel so great myself – very sleepy and with a headache. Maybe this is normal for people who are fasting. I broke off small pieces from a Cliff bar, rolling them between my fingers into small pea-size chunks that I can pop into my mouth unobtrusively, much like I used to do with small pieces of licorice in class when the teacher wasn’t watching. But I can’t do that with water and the thirst is the worst.

Day three of the four-day event has passed. We really should be taking more time with these half days but every attempt I have made suggesting that we finish next week are met with a stream of arguments that we can finish the workshop tomorrow. We appear to be zigzagging a bit through the curriculum and I am suspecting it has something to do with wanting to finish tomorrow.

The ride back to the office these day is a killer, between the heat, the traffic jams, the fumes, and irritable and impatient people wanting to get to their homes for a nap. We were stuck for a longtime in gridlock at a cross roads where everyone goes in every direction. The powerless policeman in the middle tried his best to be effective and preserve his dignity but he could do nothing to stop the train of large armored SUVs with tinted windows and no number plates of plowing ahead through the gridlock. Honking loudly, and with grim looking big men with as large a gun as one could put inside a car, they managed to open the road by sheer force.

They came from the direction of the presidential palace and a number of government offices that let out right after noon – a little before the official end of the day for government workers during Ramadan. If you have a mighty car and armed men you don’t have to follow the rules. I was waiting for an accident to happen (it didn’t) as pedestrians ducked and dove through the traffic as if there was no tomorrow – there might not have been one. It is the burqa’ed women, the crippled and old men and the small children I worry about. It was pure luck that no one got hurt this time.

Last night Axel and Tessa called me on Skype to talk about stuff. Could Tessa and Steve have our couch to furnish their new home? As of September 1 they will become islanders. Thye rented a small house with a yard in Lanesville (Gloucester). This means that Axel and I can move back into our house, me from Kabul and Axel from across the driveway, after having professionally removed the dog hair.

Then Tessa peeled off and I took Axel on a tour of his room in our guesthouse in Kabul to sort his clothes, medicine, books and stuff into various piles. As a result his suitcase if now packed, one of several I plan to take home with things we need before our shipment arrives, incha’llah, early January.

A restless night followed, fueled by a combination of David Copperfield and slimy Uriah Heap, to-do lists, work related stuff and, always, in the back of my mind, the chance of some conflagration or another someplace on my path.

The latter may have been the direct result of a sharp sound outside our gate that I thought to be a gun shot. I had listened closely for sounds that would tell me whether I was right or not, having Michael’s story about the invasion of his house to get at suicide bombers next door, still fresh in my mind. The sound of this being serious would be guards chattering on their walkie-talkies, more shots, an SMS on my phone – but there was none of that and all remained quiet. It must have been a car that backfired – but the experienced lodged in my mind for the night.

Overnight, after months of waiting, our project’s no cost extension was signed just at the same time that our headquarters told us to go full steam ahead with the close out. There were many big sighs of relief. Now comes the next hurdle: to get another extension signed in September so the project can continue to support the absorption of our activities and many of our staff into the ministry until next August and assure most of our nervous employees that everything will work out in the end.

Today was the second day of our leadership development program with the teams from HR. I watched with great contentment as I saw the sessions conducted in a very professional and energetic way. The facilitation team is working well together and everyone is learning from everyone else. The person who will house our program in his Directorate is energetic, committed and creative and I have a good feeling about this transition of my team into the ministry. And so, after agonizing for two years, it looks like we are making some good progress towards making management and leadership training an integral part of the ministry’s human resources strategy.

C. called this evening with the good news that a British school may take one of our SOLA students who didn’t get her US visa – we are keeping our fingers crossed for her and two others who still need a overcome a few more obstacles before they can board their plane to pursue their education for the good of Afghanistan.

We started a leadership program with several directorates from human resources – something I would have killed to have started two years ago and now it was a request. The pushing of the string turned into a pulling of a string. I arrived after the opening, which everyone told me was inspiring, and found 15 energetic people sitting behind small tables at the children’s hospital which happens to have a good meeting room.

The program is done in Dari. I understood enough to know whether the session was going according to plan or not. But other than that I am on the sidelines and this is no longer my show. It should be that way after two years and just weeks before I leave. I am observing the facilitation team that will have to transfer their skills to others in the ministry and I am seeng something that pleased me: a young woman doctor who teaches about leadership full of confidence.

I thought about how she, three years ago, was just starting out as a rookie facilitator, trying to keep order in a group of noisy older males. They ignored her, talked through her session and behaved generally disrespectfully until I called them on it (when then they vehemently denied being disrespectful). Now the entire group of government officials (2 women and 13 men, many older than her) listened to her spellbound. I looked at M sitting beside me and murmured to myself, ‘it is possible but it requires guts.’

Back in the compound I sat with my boss and we charted out my last four weeks, the last two being very short weeks due to holidays and my midweek departure. My focus will be on getting the MOPH team to be ready for their task, despite the fact that the recruitment cannot be completed due to the missing signature on our project extension documents and that the team does not have a place to sit. Other than that we are in good shape. Once the team is recruited I may come out to work with them on charting their course.

After work I went to SOLA and we spent over an hour talking about the Whale Rider. I had assigned individuals to reflect on the roles and behaviors of various actors in the drama: the grand father (a traditional leader with blinders on), a rejected son, a son who had copped out in a different way, the grandmother who was leading from behind and the prodigal little girl who was to lead the tribe towards better times, though she and everyone around her didn’t know it at first.

The context is quite relevant to young Afghans who are in a position of lower power, especially the girls. At the end I asked everyone what message in the film was particularly relevant to them and each talked about resonance in a slightly different way. I left the DVD with them and suggested that when a new crop of girls comes in, this may be a good way to start. The girls who participated today can now lead the conversation. I am sure that when they have this conversation in dari it will be even more animated as language is still a bit of a brake for some of them.

F. called with the good news that he had gotten his visa. So now he can leave for New Mexico. His tennis court project is nearly completed – a few more helping hands and he is done. It has been an amazing ride! We will see F. and his cousin F. hopefully at Christmas when they will join his home-stay parents in Maine and visit us. The connections we have with Afghanistan will continue, no matter what. That makes leaving a little easier.

Saturday morning is traditionally the time for doing my language school homework, after the French toast and coffee. One assignment consisted of reading a moralizing story about a girl wanting to hold a star and then telling it in my own words to the teacher. But I haven’t gotten to the moral yet and am left guessing. I am about halfway through its eight pages and have so far met a thundering old watermill, a talking white horse and a fish, also talking, but she hasn’t found her star yet.

Dari has many words that basically mean the same thing. I am starting to guess. There are a thousand ways to describe someone who is starting to talk to someone else, and each time I have to search the dictionary again. Looking up a word in Dari script takes a little longer than looking up a French or Spanish word and so it takes me a long time to read a page. Suffice to say I did not complete this assignment.

My Pashto assignment was to make sentences with the new words I learned. Since I basically know only two verbs, present tense – to have and to be – the sentences are of the ‘see Jane’ variety and even that was a bit difficult. I have two more lessons to go and would like to at least be able to read and pronounce words correctly. I am only scratching the Pashto surface.

I am sorting things in my house into two piles: to give away and to send back. The latter pile will have to be sub-divided at one point, before September 5 into two piles: to pack in three suitcases and take with me or to put in the shipment. The latter means I won’t see it until some four months from now which is the middle of the winter. I am starting to give people who are traveling to the US bulky things so carry, leaving me more room for the remaining bulky winter stuff.

I dropped off some (re)gifts at the house of a colleague whose daughter turned five. The gifts included a tiny tea set that was immediately put to use, some Yankee Christmas candles with a snowman on top, and, most importantly, the giant jar of Marmite that Axel gave me on my birthday in December 2009 – I barely made a dent in it but she will. I packed up other things for a friend who I joined for lunch – DVDs, the rather useless Lonely Planet guide to Afghanistan, playing cards, vitamins and stress pills. I think I can manage without the latter for the next few weeks.

F. came over to collect more donations for his tennis court, dollars and a tennis racket, and hand me a thank you letter – showing that my lecture on treating your donors well had taken hold. He has raised over 500 dollars since I last saw him which means that he will have completed his project by the time he leaves.

He is kept in suspense about his departure, 11 days from now, because he doesn’t have his visa yet. He has the coveted red card with which he is supposed to retrieve his visa-stamped passport from the consular office but they won’t tell him when. We are all keeping our fingers crossed.

I received a reply from the Mayor of Kabul responding to a message I placed on his facebook page. It is nice to see he is paying attention to small things and people like me – his internet presence is not a gimmick, reinforcing my already positive view of him. Small things like this matter, and big things, like the Darulaman Road project is heading towards completion, with a bit of luck just about when I leave.

When I told the spa ladies that there would be three more visits they pulled out all the stops: a pedicure, a manicure (wasted on me, a nail biter), a massage and a facial. I spent hours in the backroom and kitchen of the armored vehicle sales office.

With a little over 4 weeks to go I am starting to give away things I don’t want to bring back to the US. For Lisa and her staff I packed up some massage oils that Axel had bought but which I can’t really use on myself, plus some nail polish and tiger balm, unopened since we returned from India. In return she filled the Starbucks bag I had carried the goodies in with goodies from her spa – a facial cleaner, anti-wrinkle cream, lip gloss and skin cream.

For lunch I joined my reporter friends from India at the Wakhan Café and was able to hook them up with contacts for their upcoming trip to tell a story about maternal health in Badakhshan. We also talked about the emphasis on sustainability from the new leadership in the US compound and how healthcare is supposed to pay for itself as the US government contribution will be drastically reduced in the coming years. It will be very turbulent and risky.

I returned to Chicken Street, as if the Steve fever had infected me after he had gone. I bought the last of the items requested by Sita and then returned home to join her on Skype with a facilitator couple she had run into who, like me, trying to connect people to each other by more congenial workshop, conference and event designs. They are part of a group of like-minded individuals who don’t think that powerpoint presentations by experts are helpful to connect systems to themselves. That conversation made me realize how I miss having a professional support network within reach.

While I was finishing my dinner the landlord showed up with wives, children, mothers and what not. The guard had asked my permission to let him in and I agreed but decided not to come out to greet him and his entourage. They poked around the garden and inspected the pears, apples and grapes. The women walked up onto the terrace and pressed their noses to the glass to peek inside my living room – it was rather intrusive. I tried to ignore them and decided to hold firm on not meeting them as my dislike was instantaneous. The whole family consisted of overweight people, confirming a stereotype of fat landlords who are riding the wave of foreigners who are colluding in distorting the local economy. Not only is he making a killing on the rent (over 2000 dollars a month for a house that probably fetched 90 dollars a month during Taliban time) but we have also improved the place quite nicely, so the next renter can be charged even more.

Due to the shortened workday/low energy at the end of the day here our biweekly call with Boston could not take place as usually at the end of our day (too late) and the beginning of our Boston colleagues’ day. The poor things had to talk with us around midnight while we were sitting in our boss’ office, fresh from a good night sleep. Of course this only applies to us foreigners who don’t have to get up in the middle of the night to pray and eat. During this month there is really no good time to talk with colleagues who are 8.5 time zones away.

I change my return flight from October 1 to September 7. It is official now, at least within the office and among friends, though the formal notification to our donor has not been made but will hopefully be done before the weekend. I had some fantasy of getting Axel out here two weeks from now to help me pack up and accompany as I say my goodbyes, something he never got to do. But after a visit to the super lung and asthma specialist, and still suffering from dog hair, he is not so sure he wants to risk a flare up – the air in Kabul is not any better than when he left. I still can’t see the mountains surrounding the city on most mornings when I look out of the bathroom window.

I was summoned to SOLA again, an easy call to respond to. I had not seen the girls in several weeks and had missed them. Z. shared with me the project the girls have embarked on: teaching the kids in a nearby orphanage English. The girls are already paying back to society the goodies they received at SOLA. Z. spoke very little English when she showed up on SOLA’s doorstep over a year ago and now she is an English teacher. It is all very exciting and wonderful. We went over the elements of a good plan and how to organize the project – requiring a purpose, an outcome, staff (volunteers in this case) and materials.

While Afghanistan is blanketed under assistance that counts into the billions, these girls are making a budget that consists of 5 Afs here and 40 Afs there – peanuts. I asked them to calculate the supplies cost per orphan ( acouple of dollars) and then make a plan of who to approach. They are going to do this in a very systematic way – it’s a great learning opportunity about leadership skills: scanning, focusing, aligning/mobilizing and inspiring. The latter they have already done by the former still need some work. And then there are the management skills: planning (needs some work), organizing (needs some work), implementing (soon) and monitoring and evaluating (needs a separate lesson).

We then watched the Whale Rider, one of my all time favorite movies about girl power. Each time I see it I have to cry – I was not the only one. We watched it with Ted and five of the six girls, the 6th one was in charge of preparing Iftar. I gave her the DVD to watch later at her leisure, after the cooking and eating and cleaning was done.

By the time the movie was over it was also time to leave so we will postpone the discussion of the movie till Sunday when I pledged to return.

Steve took me out for dinner and then we said our goodbyes. He promised he will finish the chicken curry – a last hurrah from the cook but too much for me, tomorrow morning at 4:30 before he heads out to the airport. I think I will sleep through all of that as it is weekend after all.

Today I had another long meeting in a windowless room. This time we met in the basement of a large garish poppy house – the office of one of our sister organizations, for our monthly meeting with other USAID health projects. There are familiar faces, friends, very dear friends and colleagues with whom we sometimes work together. Everyone told everyone else what each project is doing and we look for overlaps, duplications, common interests (like data quality) or using each others’ materials.

Afterwards Steve and I skipped to Chicken Street; Steve to pay off his debts and buy Afghan socks ordered by his wife; me to get two traditional Afghan instruments, the rhubab and the tabla, for Sita and also to get sizes and prices of the rugs she was eyeing. Steve, having less debt than he had expected ended up buying more stuff such as a large milk container of the kind Dutch farmers used to put by the side of the road for pick up by the cooperative tractor before things were mechanized. How it got to Afghanistan we don’t know – maybe they have them here too.

It was beautifully etched and turned into an ‘objet d’art’ that has long ago lost its utility as an agricultural implement. Steve has a weakness for such things and the merchants on Chicken Street know it. The thing had been scrubbed and oiled and was so smelly that I won’t let it into my house. With this and another instrument and God knows what he added another few kilos to his ever growing pile of stuff that will become part of my shipment.

I bargained with the owners of the Central Asian jumble shop until we agreed on a Ramazan price for the instruments that left everyone happy. I also sized and priced the rugs that Sita and Jim had identified as interesting in my ‘last call for rugs’ to the home front. Carpet dealer Wahid helped me measure each one and then put a price on them. I emailed all the data back to discover that after the instruments Sita has essentially run out of money. That happens easily here.

We dropped our loot off at home to return to the office for the last and most useless hour of the day. Energy levels of our staff are dipping down to levels close to stupor earlier and earlier and the entire compound feels drained at 3 PM when the buses leave for home.

Tonight was my second attempt to organize a jailbreak for someone who lives in the US government bubble, a friend of a friend. I had invited her last Friday but realized too late I had given her the old directions to our house that have Axel’s phone number on them as well as the number of my old phone. I never checked.

The USAID driver got terribly lost and no one answered the phones she called and so she returned home. My nicely set dinner table, candles and all, was for naught and the food shriveling up in the oven. Steve, having earlier gone to a barbecue given in Kanuk House had already eaten and so my dinner party sizzled.

After having acquired the right phone numbers we set another night (tonight). It would be just the two of us as Steve had already made his own plans. I hadn’t put the candles out but everything was ready when the phone call came that she needed a few more signatures from superiors before she could leave the bubble. This is not an easy thing, apparently and dinner time had already arrived so we gave up again.

And so, not expecting to be successful a third time she will invite me into the bubble to share a nice all-imported-American-food dinner in the cafeteria. It is like going for dinner to America except for the barricades and sandbags. Her need to escape has diminished as she has gotten her transfer to her dream post in Latin America – reward for a year of bubble living – and leaves Afghanistan for good in 3 weeks.

Sitting for two and a half hours in a small windowless room underneath fluorescent lights, behind barricade upon barricade is not good for my psyche. By the time we emerged from the meeting with our donor I felt completely drained. It was a good meeting in that it provided an opportunity to clarify and refine assumptions and next steps, though it did not require my presence specifically. I wouldn’t have minded to be informed later.Sometimes this inclusiveness is too much.

Back in the office I finished bottle after bottle of water when no one was looking.The only energy I had left for the remainder of the day was watching the video that was made of the conference. There is about 4 hours of footage recording every minute of every speech with some pans mixed in with close ups of the audience. It is not a great piece of artistry but an honest record nevertheless. I have to watch all four hours to determine what we will do with it.

Anyone who ever speaks in front of a microphone should be forced to watch a video of his or her performance. Since I was one of the speakers I got to watch myself and discovered that I mumble. People here are polite and won’t risk offending a foreigner by giving that kind of feedback, so watching myself was useful. I have a few more hours of watching the remainder of the video. It is turning out to be an ideal activity for the hot and sleepy last hour of the day since anything else would require too much energy.

Back home, sitting in my cool living room and watching endless re-runs of the London riots I finished the tiny cashmere sweater for Sara’s baby, just in time to go home with Steve and, hopefully just in time for its arrival. It is made from the wool that I picked up at the wool factory – I have seen it spun from its raw material – soft fluffy goats’ chin hairs.

Now on to the next project while I wait for things to clear up at work – promised signatures to appear and my resignation being called in. Neither has happened so far.

My representational duties took me to the Serena hotel, only my third time there in five years. A sister (sometimes competing, sometimes collaborating) American organization was helping the ministry to launch its strategy to improve quality of health services.

Organizing a conference or workshop during Ramazan is in some ways easier as you don’t have to deal with tea breaks and lunches and the factor of people disappearing after lunch is not an issue to be considered when designing the program. On the other hand the energy levels dip deep down quickly, not to get up until after the sun sets.

When we left the conference room each one of us was presented with a lunch box that included two sandwiches, a small packet of ketchup, a juice drink, a handful of the chips that fit together like spoons and come in a tube and some dates. I was so hungry that I had eaten everything by the time we reached our office.

The rest of the day, at work and then at home, I edited what I hope will be blog posts about how the leadership program has changed things in the lives of people who have participated at one time or another.

For dinner Steve and I we went to the Gandamack Lodge, a lovely guesthouse in the middle of town with a beautiful garden where I have been dining a lot lately. Although the food is overpriced and not spectacular the setting is lovely and they serve wine. We picked a spot with a corner bench below a grape arbor with bunches of nearly ripe grapes dangling above our heads.

Arranging dinner with friends is complicated here and now more so than ever. First there is the checking whether the friends are allowed to go to the selected eating establishment (everyone has their own allowed and non allowed lists it seems with only very few that overlap). And then there is the timing of the outing. Our dispatcher told us we would have to be picked up at 5:45 to make sure the driver and guard would not be stuck in a traffic jam and miss the breaking of the fast exactly at the time of sunset.

But by the time our friends arrived, two dropped off by a very grumpy driver who was going to miss the breaking of the fast, the entire restaurant staff disappeared to break their fast – leaving all of us diners to our own devices for nearly an hour. As it turned out, by coming early we had secured ourselves drinks and appetizers before everything shut down. With this regime a dinner takes a few more hours than usual.

Sabina and Andrea showed up from Delhi to investigate maternal health in Badakshan while Connie and Frank, co-teaching volunteers at SOLA, came from their Eupol barracks. All four of them are native German speakers even though they stuck to English for Steve’s sake (I can understand them fine but the speaking is a little rusty).

I returned to Connie the English vocabulary books she had gotten for Axel to teach from when he was still here. I suggested she try to use them and eventually leave them at SOLA. I also gave her the Cat in the Hat, a book Axel had ordered for the girls to practice their short and long vowels. She promised she will take over that task. But for now the cat is either out of the bag (an expression our Afghan colleagues love) or in a Eupol bullet proof vest.