Archive Page 257

Weighty

The fourteenth of every month still sets it apart from the others as we count backwards to July 14, 2007. We are now in month 8 post-crash and the experience is slowly splitting into three parts: the nightmare of the crash itself; the immediate response from family, friends and colleagues, combined with the effect of painkillers that make those early two months seem rather nice and then the slow up and down trajectory of healing, first in body, then in mind. We are still in part three and may continue to be for awhile.

Are we alright and our old selves again? Yes and no. Axel still walks with a slight stoop and is often in pain especially after a long walk, like the one we took yesterday. His hand is inflamed and, as he says, his head is still not quite right. Yesterday, for example, he discovered that he cannot read the newspaper and listen to the radio at the same time, something he did effortlessly 9 months ago. But from the outside he looks and acts like the old Axel and we could fool ourselves.

As for me, no one can tell from the outside that anything happened to me. The scars are hidden behind clothes and the neuropathy cannot be deduced form my gait; I sometimes forget about all this as scars and senseless toes have become so much part of my daily physical experience. But the sadness remains and has never quite gone away; sadness about things going wrong one day and tentacles that reach out from that time into the present, never quite relinquishing their grip. It is like a heavy weight on my shoulders that I can’t seem to take off and put down. That is my stoop, not visible like Axel’s but there nevertheless. We don’t talk about it all that much during the week. But last night, while Sita and Jim were out, we talked about the continuing aftermath and the lives that have been affected and the whole gamut of feelings that goes along with the pain, the regrets, and the gratitude.

It has become some sort of a ritual that each time the14th comes around I read through all the previous entries on this milestone day. I have tagged these entries and I can select them as a set. In re-reading the entries I hopscotch through our recovery and the jumps of the early months. With the focus on recovery and our loving community of care-givers, the agony of pain and sleepless nights, and the interminable wait for all of us to get back to normal is not as visible (anymore?). The written story is far from complete, whole chunks are missing, but they come back into view when I read about what happened on the 14th of every month since July.

It is Friday now and I turn my attention to the things I cannot do in the office because of multiple and constant interruptions. It is to be a day of long stretches of concentrated attention to reading, thinking, designing and writing. I have a vision for the end of the day, and that is checking off items from my to-do list and, with a sense of great satisfaction, closing my computer at cocktail time!

 

Juggle

I woke up from a long night full of dreams about juggling. This is not surprising since I am juggling what feels like a 1000 balls at work. In November I could not have done this, holding this much stuff in my RAM (random access memory) but things are better now and there is more space available although I am bumping up against my limits. Axel, on the other hand is still experiencing the after effects of his concussion: he is forgetful, easily distracted and has other symptoms that require specialist attention. He will soon see a head injury specialist at Spaulding Rehab Hospital. The doctor is Chinese and does acupuncture as well, so we are hopeful.

I just got off the phone with William in Ghana who reported to me about the second leadership workshop that the team we created in Ghana for this purpose has successfully led. He was enthusiastic and reported that all participants returned with reports of progress and that a healthy competition is fueling the commitment of participants to do even better next time. It warmed my heart to hear that teams had gone out in their districts to consult with groups they otherwise would not have. They collected data about the true state of affairs (rather than assuming they know) and engaged their peers who stayed at home. The coaching visits were critical and made people realize that this program and the commitments they made are for real and they will be held accountable for producing the results they said they would. It was a great start of my day!

Yesterday was another intense and long day with new tasks coming over the transom as soon as an old one was completed. I drove home exhausted. When I turned into Masconomo Street I saw people walking and enjoying the extended daylight hours. At home, Axel suggested we go for a walk as well and celebrate daylight savings time.

Going for such a ‘constitutional’ was one of those intentions from last fall when we could only contemplate a walk around the Masconomo/Proctor Street loop but not actually do it; now we can and have been able to for some time now. But the pace of our life has picked up; we need to be more intentional about this walk, otherwise it will never happen.

It felt good to get the stiffness out of our limbs. We both tend to get very stiff when we sit in one position for some time. Axel was stiff from sitting at his desk the whole afternoon and I was stiff from sitting in the car for an hour.

While Axel cooked I read him the latest entries from Mike Morris’ sixcense blog (see blog roll on the side) about the elections. We prefer to listen to Mike on stage but reading his entries as an aperitif for dinner is pretty darn good! Sita and Axel then settled down for a movie but I had nothing left and went to bed around 9 PM.

Stories

With the new daylight savings time I am waking up again in the middle of the night it seems. It is pitch dark and cold; another one of these ‘having to bite through’ periods; this time not because of bodily pain or anything like that, but a simple ‘because I don’t like it.’

Having learned to bite through (not really bad stuff) as a child is part of my cultural heritage. It is woven into the protestant work ethic of the Dutch which taught me that life should not be lived in pursuit of fun. The childhood variant is ‘homework first, play later.’ I was lucky in that the homework was always a cinch and play, with the many children on our street, was fun and outside the door, not requiring parental drop off or pick up.

I woke up with fragments of a dream. I quickly scribbled these on a piece of paper before I took my shower so I would not forget. I do this with my eyes closed. Sometimes, when I get out of the shower and have my glasses on I cannot decipher what I wrote. But this time I could: looking at street scenes of one culture while sitting inside and with people from another. We were watching a slide show. I had intended to hook up my iPod to the slide show and have some of my favorite music, but someone else had already done that. He had selected other music, not what I would have chosen, but it matched so well that we kept it on and I put my iPod away. I remember saying to the people watching that these street scenes were not all that different from those in their country. I also remember expecting protest (‘No, everything is very different from us!”)

I think the dream was triggered by an email from a colleague who said the (African) country he lived in was unique. I wrote back, ‘of course it is, every country is unique!’ The dream is not about surface but about what is underneath. As a psychologist I am intensely interested in people’s life stories and hear how their current ‘being in the world’ was shaped. Much like my growing up in a Dutch protestant family shaped me. This is also why I have to understand my dreams; that comes from the thread of Enlightenment that is also woven into Dutch Protestant culture.

Another trigger for the dream might have been the lunch we had at MSH with the Minister of Health from Guyana. I was already impressed by him when he remembered Cabul who was a volunteer in Guyana several years ago. While we were eating he told us one story after another. There is much writing in the leadership literature about story telling as an important tool for leaders. This gentleman was a master of the trade. He has also been minister of health longer than most any of the many MSH has been dealing with over the years. Storytelling is a craft of the long haul I think and he proved it. It combines seeing patterns and then collecting moments in life that illustrate those patterns.

Later in the afternoon the story of the day that is only now revealed to me through my dream continued. I was asked by our young (20s/30s) staff to help them hone their facilitation skills. Two of them practiced a short session on the rest of us which we then critiqued and I got to tell stories. I loved it. They kept thanking me profusely at the end for my time; what they didn’t know is that such sessions are the highlight of my day. I think I am a mentor/teacher at heart. My one piece of advice to them was to get a sturdy backpack, an imaginary one, and keep tossing stories inside it, much like the minister has done. These stories can be pulled out any time to illustrate a concept, a theory, or a belief. I have some well-worn stories in my backpack. They are like the old blankies, teddy bears or dolls from our childhood, and comfort us as much as they enlighten others.

Axel dropped the boys off at his old school (UNH) where they teamed up with a third friend who is now studying there and who, according to Axel, had already become an American in speech and outer appearance. He had lunch in the school cafeteria and told them stories about the student protest he was heavily involved in nearly 40 years ago.

In the evening Axel went to a career fair at Mass. College of Art and he was welcomed back in the crowd like a long lost son. He made some good connections and returned back in high spirits. It was a community that he temporarily lost because of the accident and one that he discovered was more important to him than he had realized. Stories and communities, these are also two big elements of our recovery.

Forgiveness

It is better to ask for forgiveness than permission. We went flying and decided not to tell the parentals until afterwards. It was the first time since July that I took non-pilots up. I stayed in familiar airspace. We flew over Essex County and ‘visited’ Manchester, circling a few times over the house, then Gloucester, Annisquam, Ipswich, Plum Island, Newburypovieg34dsm.jpgrt, Essex and then back to Beverly airport. It was a glorious winter day, clear as far as the eye could see with great views of Boston. Yesterday’s storms had blown all the wind out of the area, although there was some unsettled air, causing a little turbulence. The boys took many pictures and videos of take-off and landing.

They took turns sitting in front and holding the controls. There was a lot of going up and down, leaning left and right, not all that much fun for the one sitting in back but exciting nevertheless. They discovered that it takes very little movement to change the altitude and attitude of the plane.

Back home Pieter and Huib continued their frustrating search for cheap lodging in New York (it is Spring Break!) and networked their way into the Dutch Harvard Med School community in the hope of attending a class or, at a minimum, getting a tour of this hallowed place. For me it was a workday with a flying break: finishing reports, updating my address book and putting all my receipts in order. It was also time to catch up on emails and the business that went on while I was away. Later this week I will focus on the next assignment: Afghanistan (Kabul) in just over two weeks.

Axel went to see his physiatrist who interpreted his latest MRI. As it turns out one vertebra, L5, has not healed yet, which explains the pains he is still having in his lower back and possibly the funny click that you can hear when he makes a particular movement. It was a little bit discouraging to get this news, now nearly 8 months after the accident, but he took it in stride. His physical therapy is continuing once a week and his therapist is working on the right things, according to the new doctor. The next doctor’s appointment is for the hand, still swollen, which needs some professional attention.

After a dinner of roasted chicken and winter vegetables the young people went out bowling while we old folks watched part of a movie until it was bedtime; an early bedtime, for it was a school night again.

Records are for breaking

All you have to say to two 22-year old boys is that a girl currently holds the record. They want to break it, record.jpgno matter what. And so, yesterday, on that blustery Sunday, with winds up to 40 knots and the temperature below 40 degree Fahrenheit, Pieter and Huib donned their bathing suits (why they brought these in their luggage is beond me) and immersed themselves in the frigid waters of Lobster Cove. Axel went out, dressed in a warm coat, to document the event. Documentation is important. You have to have proof. Here is is.

The previous record holder was my niece Willemijn who immersed herself in early May many years ago. This was never documented since she did not set out to create a new record. Our own first immersion is usually not until sometime in June and even that I find too early and much too cold.

It is fun to take the boys places and try to imagine the experience through their eyes. The things we take for granted, find normal, are not for a visitor. I am familiar with this feeling as it happens each time I leave the country.

I biked to Quaker meeting, heading into the fierce wind on my way to Beverly Farms. It was hard work but felt great after a Sunday morning breakfast with too many calories. On my way back it was smooth sailing with the wind pushing me home. I think I may have fallen asleep in Meeting, the hour went very fast and I enjoyed the quietness after having to be ‘on’ and constantly anticipating about what next for the last two weeks.

We took the boys to a performance of Chorus North Shore for its annual spring concert. This time it was ‘An American Quilt’ with some locally produced music. The piece de resistance for me was Bernstein’s Chichester Psalms which I found very moving. The children’s choir was an essential part of that rendering. Later Pieter and Huib (and everyone else) got to sing along with “This Little Light of Mine,’ and ‘America the Beautiful’ which must be an odd hymn for them. This would-be American national anthem is so very different from our Dutch (real) national anthem in which we sing lovingly of serving our Spanish King. After the performance we headed over to our favorite coffee place for a cup for tea/coffee in the Atomic Cafe.

The boys also got the American Sunday afternoon grocery shopping experience; this too is full immersion, followed in the evening by a very unamerican fajitas dinner. We watched in amazement the enormous quantities of food that these rather skinny kids take in (must be the bicycling!).

Back home the swimming challenge was unwittingly created by mentioning Willemijn’s feat some years ago. And while Axel was documenting the event I called Tessa in the hope to get her out of her funk, or at least for some temporary relief. They had just gotten another 2 foot snow dumped and the winter appears without end. No wonder she is thinking about finishing her studies in California! When everyone was back inside Ankie called from France and between Axel and me kept her on the phone for over an hour. This is a normal length conversation; there is always so much to talk about, even though she faithfully follows my journal. She knows much more about my life than I about hers, which is why we need at least an hour.

At the end of our very late dinner I was ready to go to bed. Sita was working against a deadline (still up at 3 AM I noticed), Jim was jamming with a friend in a music studio in Danvers and Axel and the boys sat down to watch ‘If,’ a movie Axel last watched in the late sixties. He remembered it as significant but now realized that may have had something to do with his not so mental clarity at the time (remember, the sixties!).

Breaking Through

I am still on Tanzanian time and thus wake up early. The weather is bad; again, no flying today.

Yesterday I was supposed to have flown to Concord and Laconia with my flying buddy Bill but the weather was too bad; three weather systems are colliding over New England. Instead I met with the other three co-owners of my plane and we discussed upcoming repair needs and how we are going to pay for them.

Late in the afternoon I picked up my nephew Pieter with his friend Huib, both medical students in Leuven (Belgium), who had bussed in from New York for Spring Break. In a pouring rain we drove straight to the Shriner’s Hall in Wilmington to watch a Roller Derby. In my 26 years in the USA I had not seen such an event in real life. It is very American and seemed like the appropriate way to celebrate International Women’s Day. After all, the sport is about assertive women racing on wheels to break through logjams and get ahead. I loved the way all the women, as well as the referees, some of which were male and one a canine, used the concept of a uniform loosely: there was lots of room for individual expression and creativity around the theme of sexy shorts and net stockings. What better way to way to celebrate women’s liberation and empowerment!

Sita and Jim’s friend Fred is dating one of the stars (‘Maura Buse’) from the Boston Massacre,derbiequeen1.jpg the team that won from Maine’s Port Authority team and the more fearsome Bronx Gridlocks (dressed in cute yellow and black/white checkered outfits). Pieter and Huib got their picture taken with another one of the stars (‘Clare D. Way’) after the prizes were awarded.

I had always assumed that Roller Derbies were somewhat gothic and dark, with people full of tattoos, wearing leather, spikes and black or fluorescent hair. The name of the Boston team suggested so much. How wrong I was. It was a joyful, noisy and irreverent family event. The sport itself suggested strong women hitting each other off the track, brute force with a sexy feminine veneer (‘this is a contact sport’). Again I was wrong, although there was a lot of jostling, pushing and shoving and some bad falls, all followed by the most amazing recoveries. Axel and I shuddered at the sight of some of those falls.

The sport requires finesse, good balance, strategy and endurance. It was fascinating and exciting. We watched three ‘bouts’ of half an hour each. The Boston team won each hands down. Basically there are two teams of five women who circle around on old fashioned four-wheel roller skates, at high speed on a concrete floor in a rink marked by pink fluorescent tape. Two of them are ‘jammers,’ one from each team. Their helmets are marked with a star. They have to brake through a wall of four fast skating opponents, in which they are helped by four of their own team members. There are as many referees as there are skaters because there is an elaborate set of rules and everything moves very fast. The referees communicate with hand signals to the public and to a whole battalion of people, most sitting on the side of the rink in front of laptops and a gigantic scoring board, and some inside the rink writing check marks after people’s names with blue markers on a small white board that sits on an easel. There are also people with clipboards, some sort of way station between rink and laptops, maybe. One of them, to my great surprise, was a colleague from MSH who left in the great clean up back in May (Alex).

Home again

You need to be away from home from time to time to appreciate what you have. I am lucky in that my frequent departures automatically produce frequent homecomings. These are the best moments of all. No matter how often I have done this, I never tire of this final part of my journey: first the landing and the joy of touchdown, then the phone call to Axel while taxiing to our gate; the impatience of going through the immigration line, the seemingly endless wait for my suitcase and then the last obstacle of the agricultural inspection (coming from Amsterdam I always carry food: cheese, sometimes herring and licorice). And then comes the best part of it all: going through the opaque doors of the customs area and stepping out into the arrival hall while scanning the waiting crowd for that one particular face that is so very (VERY) dear to me.

My arrival this time did not quite follow the script. For one, my suitcase came out in the first batch and so I walked out into the arrival hall much earlier than Axel had expected. He was not watching and we missed each other. I walked over to the side, a bit disappointed and puzzled and left several messages on his cell phone. I finally decided to sit on a bench and read my book while waiting for him. When I picked a bench, just a few feet away, I noticed the back of a familiar head of curls – he had been sitting there all along. The reunion was sweet and all was quickly forgiven and forgotten.

I received an update on Axel’s recovery and learned he is adding two new specialists to his care team: he is seeing a physiatrist (fizz-ee-a-trist) by the name of Sara Lee. She is not a cupcake. She is a physician specializing in physical medicine and rehabilitation. Physiatrists focus on restoring function to people after the orthopedes and neurologists have done their work of diagnosing and putting the pieces back together. He is also going to see a hand doctor, which is different from a peripheral neurologist, to give advice on how his left hand can regain its full functionality. It is much better than before, but his hand is swollen as a result of, what we assume, not the right kinds of exercises. We are getting in really specialist territory now.

Sita is rapidly filling up her dance card with trips to London, Dallas, Sharm El Sheikh, New York and Bangkok. So Sita and I will be flitting in and out of the country for the next few months (my trips will take me to Afghanistan and Ethiopia) while our men will stay put, keeping the home fires burning.

The latest update on Tessa and Steve is that they hate living in London (Ont.). The poor things have several more months of winter, cold and snow and this doesn’t help. The contrast between the lively student scene in Amherst and the industrial city of London and living surrounded by agribusiness soy fields is becoming increasingly untenable to them. Tessa has one more year to go and is beginning to wonder whether her sanity can handle this. We old people know of course that one year is nothing; but when you are 22 one year is about 5% of your life and that is a long time.

Ups and Downs

I am at Schiphol airport waiting for a connecting flight to Boston. I have decided to not let anyone know I am here so I can finish my reports; the next trip is very soon and I don’t want to work this weekend.

I am out of Africa. It is a traditional call I make to Axel, announcing my new position on the map. I do this early in the morning while he is still up the night before. This time I got Sita on the phone as well. These are some of our small rituals.

I left Tanzania somewhat deflated, without an ounce of energy left. The road trip back to Dar es Salaam took a lot out of me; more than I at first cared to admit. I emerged from the car in pain and stiff as a plank and then my mood began to change; from the high spirits of having accomplished what I set out to do to feeling hopelessly inadequate in the face of overwhelming odds.

Each time I leave Africa I am more confused. The more I learn, the more I know. And the more I know the more I know what I don’t know. And in times like these, when my mood is low, I wonder how I can be of any help. Everything appears to be related to everything else. It feels a bit like untangling miles and miles of hopelessly tangled up yarn. You look for a beginning or an end, to start untangling. And then, not being able to find either one, you take a pair of scissors and create a beginning and an end. From then on it is slow going. Sometimes you feel you are just making things worse; instead of one gigantic tangle, you create a whole bunch of slightly smaller tangles, all as daunting as that first big one. The worst part is that seemingly well-meaning efforts at untangling actually mess things up. I am referring to the hundreds of models, tools and approaches that are being offered by helping hands, some incompatible yet offered to the same people. It is a bit of a lose-lose proposition when I begin to think like this: I am either adding to the tangle – so why continue? Or if I think I am not, I can fool myself by using reasoning that is self-serving, also called arrogance. Of course I have to remind myself that these words and sentences come out of a particular mood. I don’t always think like this; I would not have lasted this long.

Yesterday morning, Isaac and William had asked me to say a few words at the opening of their leadership program, now in its third day, “people would like it.” Participants don’t often see the folks who developed the materials they study. I asked the participants what has changed for them as a result of this program. It was hard to get volunteers so I called on people by giving them the microphone. It is always a struggle, anywhere in the world, to get concrete examples; people tend to use words that are titles of workshop sessions. Up front only one member of a team sits at an otherwise empty table. I asked her what happened to the rest of her team. She explains that one is in the internet café checking up on a letter and the other she doesn’t know about. Getting participants to apply what they learn about being pro-active directly in class is hard; I challenge her to be more active and get her team complete by taking action now. My exhortation clashes with the polite attention that is given to foreigners. Nothing will happen until I leave, if then.

I checked out and paid my bill and then went to the other hotel where the AIDS meeting was held. I arrived in the middle of a morning discussion and I could sense that the meeting had heated up from yesterday. Some agencies had not delivered on promises according to the government representative from one region. Another demands that these discussions are frank and honest, rather than the usual Tanzanian mode of exchanging pleasantries. I so wish I could follow Kiswahili. The session is conducted in the way that Mandela describes how his father held court in the Eastern Cape. The Chief (Chairman) sits in front facing the people who are seated in semi-circular rows facing him. What is billed as ‘plenary discussion’ is actually a very disciplined and choreographed process allowing people to speak, one by one. Their words are addressed to the chief, but everyone listens attentively. There are few non-verbal cues for me to gauge whether they agree or not with the speaker. Sometimes there are a few smiles or hmmms. This is not dialogue but serial monologue. Occasionally I get a translation. I am learning that the reporting process does not accomplish its purpose. Reports are missing; they appear to describe inputs and outputs, or maybe process, but say little about what is different as a result of their work; they also appear hard to read. Imagine nearly a hundred of those. It is no wonder that there is no feedback loop.

I am trying to figure what is at stake for the different groups in this meeting. It appears to have something to do with the modalities by which the national secretariat reaches civil society. The creation of new, temporary structures that consists of NGOs or consortia for the implementation of the project is supposed to help ‘push the money down’ where the government does not have the capacity to do this on their own. The temporary structures have two main purposes: building the government’s capacity at the regional, district and local level and managing the grants given to civil society organizations to produce a string of small victories in the battle against HIV/AIDS. It seems that these two are not always meshed together as they should, but implemented in parallel. Some government people are indicating that the capacity building has not happened and that they don’t know what is going on. Of course in all this the enormous amount of money involved muddles everything. Someone remarks, “If you have a lot of money you don’t need to involve anyone, you can just go it alone.” As an American citizen who contributes her tax dollars to help foot this bill, this is of course not what we intended.

bushclothfull.jpgOne of the women wears a dress made out of US-Tanzania friendship cloth. If there was an archive of bushfacecloth.jpgspecial occasion cloth you could trace the visits of important people across Africa. This includes presidents as well as religious leaders. When we break for tea I take a picture of her, with a separate zoom into Bush’s face. It’s the kind of picture you see in obituaries – depicting a much younger Bush. I wonder about the design and production process of the cloth. Was there an official request, an official picture provided by the embassy? I can just imagine Laura and George sitting with a photo album on their knees, and Laura saying, “George, I think this picture would look fabulous on the belly, bosom and back of a lady in Tanzania!”

At tea break I sit with three women from local government. I ask them how the process of working with the facilitating agencies has been for them. At first they are cautious in their responses but soon they loosen up. They complain about something that I hear around the world. It is a complaint that is wrapped in communication language but that I have come to see as a symptom of something else, maybe a deep-seated fear of inadequacy? It is constantly fueled by the absence of acknowledgments and appreciation for work well done, or by the carelessness with which people communicate (or forget to) with one another; the sense of inadequacy or incompetence is thus reinforced; self protection then leads to resentment of the higher ups, since they are causing this feeling after all. If you belong to a minority group, like the handful of women in this meeting, the resentment is doubled. Instead of spirited engagement we get resentful entitlement. Money has to come to the rescue to ‘motivate’ or ‘facilitate,’ a pervasive belief. This is how I believe we mismanage the most precious of human resources we have: the energy to invest one’s time and creativity in doing a good job. I am re-reading Elliott Jaques about Executive Leadership. He states something that I know to be true from personal experience but also from watching others: “People are spontaneously energetic with respect to the things that interest them.” Could we possibly try this notion on others?

Ripples

The meeting I am attending helps me understand better the context and realities of this country’s response to the AIDS crisis. The meeting has only one other white person in it, a German who just started living here. The meeting’s language is primarily Kiswahili. Although the German looks like he understands Kiswahili, he confides to me that he doesn’t. Once in awhile I recognize an English word such as ‘bureaucracy,’ or ‘sustainability.’ Periodically I ask for translation but I am mostly watching people. Occasionally my neighbor makes a remark that gives me some clues about the issues she is thinking about and that need her attention. Sometimes these are commentaries on what other people say, or on statistics; and sometimes they are topics that only women will understand.

I made a trip to the tiny internet café of the hotel where the meeting is being held to discover that the computer runs on very old software. A message showed up that the system is no longer protected from viruses because the software has not been updated. By then I had already picked up the Trojan Horse and the Rungbu virus on my pen drive. I spent the rest of the morning scanning my computer to make sure no other viruses crossed over.

At lunch I sit with a retired professor of Muhimbili School of Public Health. He is a sociologist and talks to me about the early years of the AIDS epidemic when he was a lone voice crying in the wilderness. There was and still is much stigma attached to being HIV positive and he has lost many colleagues, educated people, who even on their deathbed were not able to acknowledge the disease they were dying of.

From the presentations and side conversations I learn much about the ripples and unintended side effects of the huge amounts of money that stream into the country in the battle against the disease, especially how it affects the lowest layers of organized civil society, the community-based organizations. They are trying to implement activities at the village, ward and household levels. There are expectations that money will solve all problems yet spending the funds has repeatedly been problematic, suggesting that something other than money is needed. [Bunny, the main character in Upton Sinclair’s Oil! remarked on page 490 that “he had learned this much from his father, that money by itself is nothing, to accomplish anything takes money plus management”]. As it happens, this is also one of the main messages of our Leadership & Management Program.

Another side effect is that the care of orphans and those affected by the disease is beginning to discriminate against those who are not HIV-positive. As the wife of the President of a neighboring country commented, “why, you are making people want to be positive!” Apparently in some schools there are more AIDS orphans than non orphans (one indicator programs are being evaluated on). This of course creates much resentment among those who have managed to stay healthy, but poor nevertheless; their schoolfees are not being paid. And finally, it appears that the implementation of care and mitigation activities, two of the three major strategies, are beginning to overshadow the strategy of prevention. As long as prevention is not effective, the other two will require increasing amounts of money to sustain an ever growing pool of people affected by the disease.

One PowerPoint presentation follows another. There are close to twenty. It becomes increasingly difficult to see the forest through the trees. This is too bad because I know there are other ways to structure such meetings that would help create more of a dialogue and keep the forest visible through the countless presentations describing a multitude of trees, some the same and some different from one another. Simple mind-mapping would already have helped; not on the wall though. Hotel management has posted a sign that nothing can be put on the walls. But I could have done it on my computer, quietly in the back, if only I would understand Kiswahili. So I am struggling with how to stay awake, making to-do-lists and writing in my journal; and when that is done I play solitaire. I am sitting in the back row and so I can see that I am not the only one; but, thanks to my Calvinist roots, I appear to be the only one who is self-conscious about it.

I also break the monotony of presentations I cannot follow by taking bathroom breaks. Outside the room are large framed portraits of participants, taken in the morning, developed and printed on large glossy paper and framed in cheap plastic frames. This is a gamble that the photographers take – there is no guarantee that people will buy their pictures; and if many don’t, it will be a significant monetary loss. Apparently they know their market – they are selling well and it must make it worthwhile. They also must have learned over the years not to take pictures of the white folks because they don’t buy. That is correct and I am grateful there is no portrait of me in the gallery.

On Wednesday night, after a work session, I have dinner with William and Isaac. I came back to the hotel too late to meet their participants. This will happen on Thursday morning.

At night I pack while watching a Nigerian movie about a bad church leader. There are many fat men in it with sunglasses and sticks and skinny young women who whimper a lot. I can’t understand what they say but I don’t need to. The story is obvious. The announcement for the next episode promises that things will end badly for the church leader. That is good.

The next morning I watch another Nigerian movie. Once again there is the fat man, also with a stick, but this time also a little fat and obnoxious boy. They are bad and because of that I know they will come to a bad end. There are also several skinny, poorly dressed men who act like children in the fat man’s presence. They too whimper a lot. Witchcraft, in the shape of eggs and wax dolls play a prominent role in both movies. I soon learn why. When the movie is over the credits say ‘Thank you Jesus, you are my inspiration!’ This is Nollywood, with a religious twist.

Wait while we connect you…

Today’s entry can not make it from my pen drive to the website. Some incompatibility of one kind or another.  I probably won’t be able to post again until I am back home on Friday the 7th.


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